Fear of Being Found Out!

I have joined an online book club. I don't understand how it will work just yet, but I know I need to be part of this group. God has been showing me a lot lately about myself, revealing the depths of my fear, the pervasiveness of my fear. But just as I started to get overwhelmed by the distance there is to cover to overcome fear, my mom gave me the book Dangerous Wonder about taking risks to live a faith-filled life, guess what topic the first couple chapters touches on? Yup. Fear. Then one of the blogs I follow, (in)courage, announced their fall book club selection - What Women Fear. Are you noticing a trend? I am. I am looking forward to journeying with a community of women, discussing the role of fear in our lives, and hopefully gleaning ideas of how to walk in faith and overcome unhealthy fear.

Maybe this is a crazy idea, but I thought to kick off my journey with the book club, why not write a post about one of my fears. There is one fear that I am having a knock-down, drag-out fight with lately. It also happens to be the sub-title for chapter 3 - Fear of Being Found Out. I haven't read that far yet. Maybe it would advise me not to post in a public for-the-world-to-see forum my fear of being found out. But like I said, I haven't read that far and here I am about to expose myself.

I am afraid of being found out. Being found out as a sham, a fake, an impostor, a flibberty-jibbit, a cotton-headed-ninny-muggins. Worse yet, I fear being found out as unqualified, incapable, insufficient; and the people who thought better of me being left sorely disappointed. The thing is, I am not enough for what is being asked of me - and that is a good thing. Knowing that I really can't do it in my own strength, I have to lean into Christ all the more. That is, when I remember rightly.

As I work through my Bible study, knowing that it will soon be my turn to lead, I wonder what I have to give to the ladies, whether I have what it takes. I don't know my Bible as well as I should. I'm not as faithful and studious as I ought to be, certainly not enough to be a leader. Will the women's ministry leader come up to me afterward the first time I lead and rescind her offer to be part of the leadership?

Even though I feel as though Jesus is amping up a crowd of angles chanting "Do it! Do it!" I want to shrink from the challenge of starting a new growth group at church. "I am not a charismatic person, I can't start something - it will flop."

My fear of being found out really comes alive as I try to answer a series of questions from Micah.
"Why are you interested in working with street kids in a foreign country?" -Because I fully believe God has called me to this particular ministry. That's all I've got and I know it is insufficient - just like me. My answer is insufficient, because I am insufficient. And if I don't come up with a better reasoned, logical, convincing answer to this question, and especially the next one - "What talents, skills or personality traits do you have that will play a key role in your ministry with homeless teens?" - then the director and board are going to find me out. They'll know what I already know deep in my heart, that I don't have what it takes, and I'll be rejected (That's another fear - being rejected. Two fears for the price of one trigger, lovely.) The truth is I do have talents and skills, some that can be used by the ministry; and I do have a personality, albeit a quirky one, but one that seems to be well suited for life at Micah. I could have a two page list of very convincing proofs for my interest in street kids, but the one that really matters, the one that will get me through the difficult times is knowing that God has called me.

The thing is, if I try to prove how capable, competent, and worthy I am of these roles I am going to fail. I cannot do it in my own power. I truly am not enough. But thankfully, graciously, God is enough. Even though I am full of weaknesses, His power is made perfect in weakness. His grace is sufficient for me (2 Cor. 12:9). And if God has called me to these roles, then he will provide the means and ability as well (2 Tim. 1:12).

Amongst my grandmother's things that I looked through after her passing I found this quote, which I wrote down and put on our fridge, I wish I knew where she picked it up:

"The will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot keep you."

Twilight

I really do not understand the appeal of Twilight but the vampire fever has swept through all generations of my friends. Fans come from former students who are now in high school to women my mother's age. Curiosity got the better of me and when the first film was on TV for free, I did watch it. I was creeped out. Not so much by the idea and notion of vampires but by the values and attitudes that were highlighted. Trying to explain it to my co-workers who are fans I was at a loss to articulate my opinions more than "It felt insidious." To which I was met with confused stares combined with a suspicion that I was a bit crazy. Yet I have good company. I found an article by a woman with a doctorate who was able to make the arguments I would, if I could find the words. I am by no means a women's libber, not by a long shot, but if any of my former student were to start dating some guy that was controlling and isolating her from her friends and family, subjugating her, I would throw a fit, as would you, so why is it okay for Edward and Bella? It may be just a 'harmless' fun story, but values and morals are taught through story, myth, and fairy tales. I am not saying I agree point for point with this woman, but overall I do. Find the article her:

Why This Middle-Aged Woman Loathes Twilight | Psychology Today

And this is from a secular point of view. There is an element of spiritual allusions and I think that is what creeps me out the most. How Edward refers to himself as the lion and Bella as the lamb. Ah, no... God is the lion, the Lion of Judah. Yet Edward does behave as a demi-god, a very controlling one at that. And when he steps into the sunlight and is all sparkly, my thought was, 'Yeah, and Lucifer was the most beautiful angel too.' Those are the two that stick out in my memory. Insidious. I tried to explain my point of view to a friend who is a Christian, who is a Twilight fan, her response was essentially 'It's only a story. Vampires aren't real, what is the big deal.' And the frog thought, 'It's only a pool of warm water.'

Okay, stepping off my soap box now.

"Sarah's Key"

Several nights this week I stayed up late, too late. Curled up in my bed, cozy and warmed by the electric mattress pad with the clock just out of sight behind the lamp base so that I didn't know how late I was really staying up and therefore lessen the guilt. I knew how painful the consequences would be in the morning, but I couldn't help myself. Yes, I was staying up late to read, again, this time it has been Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay. I had to know what happened to Sarah, I had to know her story - all of her story; like the other main character in the book, Julia.

Also, like Julia, as an American, I was completely ignorant of Vel' d'Hiv. I admit I have a weird kind of fascination with WW II, Hitler and Nazis, in the same way you can't help but watch a wreck. You know it's going to be horrible, but you can't turn away either. It's a curiousity I can only satisfy in small doses as anything more would make me completely sick. I wonder at myself, how I keep returning to that time and place in history. Part of my rationale is that I can't wrap my brain around something so massive and inexplicably horrible. Jon (my office mate) and I were talking this week, how does a man (Hitler) become so twisted and evil? How does he develop such radical ideas and then rise to power, gaining the support of an entire nation? And yet it is repeated over and over, Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Papa Doc, Pol Pot... the list could go on, those are just the ones that easily come to mind. Neither one of us had an answer.

The book is written with two parallel stories, one starting in 1942, the other 2002, that weave in and out and together. Julia, the modern day character, feels almost like a pressure valve and an intermediary. To read only Sarah's story would have been too much, too overwhelming, too sickening, too sad and grieving. Yet it could be worse, much worse, De Rosnay takes a delicate hand with the descriptions. Julia allows us to take a breather, focus on something different for the few pages of her chapter, giving us a moment to recover before diving back into Sarah's heartache. The book transitions about half way through, we start learning Sarah's story through Julia. It is through her storyline in the book that all the pieces come together. While Julia becomes our informer on Sarah, the shared need to know Sarah's story puts us into the story as Julia. The story is gripping. Sarah's Key not only educates but helps remind us of what we'd rather forget, but what cannot be forgotten.

FINISHED!!

I have done it! I have accomplished something of monumental proportions this weekend. What may you ask? drumroll please.... I finished reading the autobiography of Madame Guyon. It has taken me years. Agonizing long years to get through this book. I pick it up and read a couple chapters in between other books when I can make myself do so but it hasn't been pretty. A book shouldn't be so hard to read. I blame it on the fact it was written in the late 16oo's-early 1700's in French. The true meaning and eloquence with which it must have first been written has to have lost something in the past four hundred years and the (poor) translation into English for it to be such a drudgery to read. I stuck with it. I finished it. I may have even learned from it - you never know! I would recommend reading about her, she had an amazing life and spiritual perspective - just not this autobiography, unless you are a glutton for punishment and trying to anesthetize yourself.

Corrie ten Boom ROCKS!

This past Saturday I was rather productive. I had finished washing the dishes and cleaning the cook top which required to be taken completely apart due to rice boiling over - oh! what a mess! It was about 8:30pm by then and I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't finish vacuuming, at least not if I wanted to keep on friendly terms with my neighbors. So what to do until 11pm when Mystery started on OPB? I picked up a book that had been in my side table for close to two years - Tramp for the Lord by Corrie ten Boom. I nearly missed Mystery I was so engrossed in the book. I had to keep a box of tissue near by as just with The Hiding Place I can't help myself from crying as I read her story. She is one of the most amazing women in the Christian faith as far as I am concerned. Sunday evening I picked up the book to keep reading and couldn't put it down. That is I didn't put it down until I finished it - at 2am. It has been over twenty years since she passed away and she still has so much to teach and show us about following God. Her complete submission and obedience is inspiring and puts me in my place for the lack of it in my own life. Reading her words always leads me closer in my own walk with Jesus and shows me how amazing life could be when truly walking with Christ as Lord. Everyone should read Corrie ten Book - including you! As if to augment the lessons I was learning this weekend from Corrie I listened to a sermon from Mark Driscoll at Mars Hill Church in Seattle titled "Humility and Hospitality" that really centered around "long-obedience." I'm learning a lot about obedience and just how disobedient I am.

Another book

I just finished a book this morning that I want to recommend. It is called "My Father's Notebook: A Novel of Iran" by Kader Abdolah. It is one of those books that is supposed to be fiction but seems so real that you forget. How much is inspired or taken from real events I don't know but the whole story sweeps you up and carries you off on a magic carpet to Persia as it struggles through successively oppressive regime changes. For those with an interest in Iran and that part of the world the book provides interesting insights to the culture and struggles of the people.

Favorite Quote:
"Loss is an experience that eventually leads to a new road, to a new opportunity to think of things in a different way. Losing is not the end of everything, but merely the end of a particular way of thinking. If you fall in one place, get up again in another. That's a cardinal rule of life."
-By Mohammad Mokhtari as printed in the second to last chapter.

Book Rec.

If you are looking for a thrilling and enthralling read pick up Erik Larson's "The Devil in the White City." It is a historical book but reads like a novel. If history classes were this engaging I may have paid attention in high school. The book has two parallel stories, one about the mastermind behind the World's Fair in Chicago in 1893 and the other about a serial killer who preyed on people lured to Chicago by the Fair. I know reading about a serial killer doesn't sound appealing but it isn't gory and horrific. I haven't read anything so well written in some time. After reading one short paragraph about the debate before the turn of the century about direct current or alternating current and the two proponents- Edison and Tesla - I started wondering what key words I could Google to find out more information. Then I caught myself and marveled that this author just made me interested in electricity with a mere four sentences. When I finished the book I was actually sad, sad that I couldn't visit the White City myself, that I couldn't experience the World's Fair. One other good reason to read the book - the author is from Seattle. Gotta support the local yocal!