13 August 2010

The Inbetween

In the early hours of the morning while irrational thoughts make perfect sense, contradictory ideas can co-mingle happily, and the alarm isn't loud enough to break the spell, my mind creates a happy place. This morning as I hit the snooze and while drifting into that nether place I started to think about what I should wear today: 'Yay! Street kid soccer tonight, so grubby jeans, and not a white t-shirt like last week, that was a challenge to get clean and I want to play with Esther.' My next thought, 'My feet are cold, there is a sharp chill in the air coming in; I didn't expect that from the forecast last night. Good thing if it's really going to be 90 today.' And then reality starts sinking in - street kid soccer is in Tegucigalpa, the weather is for Portland; I can't go to street kid soccer if my feet are cold. My heart sank as the truth came into focus. I am no longer in Honduras, haven't been for a week, playing with Esther at soccer will have to wait - much to my disappointment.

Today was filled with thoughts of remembrance about last Friday, my last real day in Teguc. It filled me with longing to be back there. A deep ache welled up in my chest as I thought about how much I missed the boys. Oh, I miss 'em like crazy! I know the longer I'm back it should become easier, not quite as sharp & intense, but I don't want that. It's good motivation to be diligent in learning Spanish, among other things. I love these boys and that isn't going it change.

While the in-between of sleep and awake allows me to happily remember, and believe I am in, Honduras. Once awake I find myself in a different kind of in-between; living in Portland but having my heart in Tegucigalpa. How to navigate this in-between is uncharted territory.

No comments: