Lament for the lack of civility among single men

I need to read myself to sleep at night. Sometimes all I can manage is a few lines, but a few days ago I had not one but two sodas; I could handle more reading that night. I picked up the latest copy of Christianity Today and picked an article based solely on the title - "Sex Economics 101." Kind of catchy, isn't it? It got my attention; admit it, it would have grabbed yours too. The subtitle is "Mark Regnerus, the early-marriage sociologist, shares his latest research on young adults' sexual attitudes and behavior." I started to read it with a general curiosity given that I have worked and still do on occasion with teens and young adults. What intrigued me is that, while the researcher is focused on "emerging" adults, what he describes fits with my generation as well - the mid 30's-40's. And it helped interpret how I have been struggling with the results of online dating. Quite frankly, the article depressed me. After reading it I felt like it will be a phenomenal miracle of epic proportions if I ever get married.
Some key quotes:
"Historically, sex was a key motivator for men to marry. Try to reduce that tension, that function, and all hell breaks loose—which is what we are witnessing."


"Because whoever is the minority gender, so to speak, has more power, and especially in this sense, because women want marriage more than men do. So when there are more women in the pool, it lends itself to women competing for men rather than the other way around."


"This is not to suggest that men can't commit. They can, but they have to do so today in an environment of such rich choices. It makes it difficult for them."

The end of January I started corresponding with a fella, let's call him Doug. He seemed nice enough and decent, we exchanged a few emails, then I sent one that never got a response. He had mentioned that he was going on vacation so I waited. About a week and a half later, guessing he was back in town, I decided to drop him a short note just to get my name at the top of his inbox. Silence. But a couple days later he did send a message to my roomie. Yeah, scratch his name off the list. 

Then a couple weeks ago another guy contacted me, oddly enough with the same name - "Doug." Unlike Doug v.1, I was really intrigued by Doug v.2, I wanted to get to know him. As we exchanged emails my interest swelled. Finally! A decent normal guy that had real potential, not some foreigner scamming or gross 65 year old obviously using a form letter. No, Doug v.2 was intelligent, strong faith, thoughtful, considerate, kind, creative, with similar interests. Each email he sent left me saying "wowza!" He impressed me, knocked my socks off really. But he fell off the grid as well. I sent an email that has gone unanswered. [UPDATE 3/8/2011: Apparently my theory below about a demon in my email was correct. Doug v.2 had found my blog, read this post, and sent me an email explaining that he hadn't received my last email and thought I had just abruptly stopped writing. Isn't life funny. Yay! I get a second chance to get to know this guy.]

I'd like to explain it by saying there is a demon possessing my email and either preventing it from being delivered or warping the words in-between my drafting and the recipient reading it so that I sound like a crazy person. This is highly unlikely. A girl could get sensitive about her writing, especially since it's of a personal nature. But the more likely explanation is that in a gender imbalanced pool, where men, even mediocre men, have multitudes of women competing for them, I was dropped for the newer match, the next woman who might be prettier, funnier, sexier, smarter, more better in some way. Combine the 'women rich dating pool' with online dating where people aren't "real" yet and our throw-away consumerism society and it's a dangerous combination. With both Dougs they had been considerate and respectful, so why is it okay to be rude and just stop writing? No, we haven't met in person, but those weren't just some made up stories you were reading, they are the stories of a real person, a person who was being open and vulnerable. You've changed your mind, fine. I'm worth a final email saying 'thanks for your time and sharing, wish you all the best.' It is the decent thing to do, an act of civility, the behavior of a gentleman. But the more virtual and impersonal our world becomes, the faster common decency and civility, what used to be the norms of behavior, have eroded. To be fair, it isn't just single guys who are suffering this lack of decency. My mother recently had a party for which she sent an Evite, emails, and postcards - most of the women never even RSVP'ed. 
So here is today's lesson for the guys: be men, be gentlemen, be men of character and integrity - and that means ending things, even simple email exchanges, with respect and honor.


Last night my roomie and I watched the movie (500) Days of Summer. We laughed through most of it, although we couldn't quite believe the role reversal. Neither one of us could think of any girl who says she only wants to be friends and it is the guy pushing for a relationship. In our circle, it is the opposite - or the guy who wants the instant relationship, but that's another story (a good one too). There are two scenes that stand out. The first is after Tom and Summer have broken up, but they saw each other at a wedding of a mutual friend, she invites him to a party at her place. We see the party scene in split screen on the left is the party through Tom's "expectations" and on the right, "reality." It was hilarious! So clever! And so true. Our expectations are usually dramatically different than reality and the scene exploited that to great comic effect. The second scene I liked has Tom's friend Paul talking about his girlfriend who he has been dating since junior high. He says that his perfect dream girl would have a bigger rack, blond hair, be more into sports, etc., but then he pauses and says 'but Rachel (?) is better. She's real.' And that realization seems to be something that the guys I've been meeting need to have. I am tired of competing with a fantasy, or the allure of 'the next one will be perfect.' Guess it is a good thing that overall, I don't mind being single and sometimes even enjoy it.

Freakazoid Friday

Friday nights are traditionally date night. I would not know about this, but that is what I've learned from media. I guess you could say I have a date tonight, my friend Kim is coming over for dinner. Does that count? No. As much as I love Kim, she doesn't count.

I am still hopeful that this ridiculous online dating may end my long run of dateless Friday nights. But it will not be with this one dude that surfaced this week. This is a borrowed story, but completely true. Let me tell you about "Dwight" (name changed to protect me from legal action) - Dwight the dweeb. He has quite the list of what he is looking for in a potential spouse. Having a list of key aspects that are critically important is good. Chances are you know yourself and know what will compliment you, what will drive you insane, which values you must agree on, etc. But Dwight has taken it to a whole new level. Some of his points are okay, but most of his criteria is absurd and would make for good folly all on its own. The real topper is that this dude had the audacity to send a message to my friend, not to get to know her or ask her out, but to ask if any of her friends would meet his requirements, he may want to date them if so. The guy is an idiot! Am I being too harsh? No, not at all. Read his list and you'll agree:

• An athlete and has lived a disciplined lifestyle. 
• Loves the commands of God and God-ordained roles for marriage. She is not afraid of submission to the Lord or her husband. If so, please grow spiritually first so that you don't set your marriage up for failure or great difficulty. Marriage is difficult enough without one or both people not being spiritually mature. 
• She is a college grad and probably between 28-38 and doesn't have any major baggage. 
• Someone who has saved herself for marriage, thus no kids, no STD's ever (all should be tested prior to any seriousness in a relationship if you don't trust they are truly a virgin). 
• Someone who isn't a musician/artist/singer/theater type of person nor a pentecostal, charistmatic, or catholic or any denomination close to them.
• I am attracted to the slender/toned types, not the overweight types, which includes being significantly overweight at any time in the past. 
• Someone who doesn't wear eyewear. 
• I don't want any pets and I'm open to 0-2 kids, not more. 
• She not only has to be debt-free but have at least 10's of thousands saved up already to show her frugality and her financial preparedness NOW and in the past for godly marriage. Sadly, most have failed in this area. And finances are the biggest problems in a marriage so be smart, live simple now and invest now for your marriage. 
• I don't drink alcohol or coffee. I'm not a sweets person, either. I'd like to eat more healthy than I do, so that is something I'd look for as well, but not a health nut, either. 
• I'm not interested in women who have piercings in places other than their ears. I'm not into jewelry so it doesn't impress me to see it on others, just as I'm not materialistic, so I don't care for someone who loves to dress up or wear expensive clothes, shoes, etc. Money should be saved and invested for important things in life, not on immediate gratification, which is materialism. Immediate gratification is a sign of spiritual immaturity. 
• As I mentioned, I'm looking for a spiritually mature, athletic woman.

With a list like this I am thinking he is the one with serious major baggage issues, which is why he doesn't want a wife with baggage. He doesn't want someone who is ever going to grow old, because eventually everyone needs glasses. Dwight needs his partner to have lots of money so that he can mooch off of her. I'm amused that he groups pets and children together as if they are nearly one in the same. He wants someone who is spiritually mature to make up for his immaturity, selfishness and vanity, but if they are mature, they should also be wise enough to run as fast as they can away from him.

I make no apologies for today's bashing. He actually makes me irate and I only try to laugh at him to keep from blowing a gasket. I've known Dwights and they are dangerous people - manipulative, controlling, abusive, people. I've been witness to the havoc they can wreck in a person's life; and the wake of destruction they leave in their path is horribly messy. But don't take it from me, a girl who would not have an ounce of credibility in the eyes of Dwight, take it from Mark Driscoll - a godly man's man. He tells it like it is in this sermon:

Wading into Murky Waters

A couple months ago Sarah and I decided to give online dating a whirl... again. While neither one of us have had much (or any) success in the past, we have had several friends who are married with the help of an online service. What did we have to lose? Maybe we meet someone nice, have a date, maybe even meet a mate, but at the very least we have a good story. One of the best parts of online dating services is the entertainment value; the profiles alone are entertaining. Sarah and I have been taking advantage of trial days and free "communication events" so it hasn't even cost us a dime; of course you get what you pay for. Recently I was sent a match that surpassed anything I had seen before and is now the epitome of what not to put on your profile. It's just too good not to share. (And if you're thinking of making a profile, heed my advice.)

First off, for the question of "What are you most passionate about?" Even if you are a total techno-geek, it is not advisable to list your favorite TV shows, especially if it includes the Cartoon Network, and all your favorite genres of movies. And it's even worse when you follow it with "Xbox" and a list of your favorite games. But the topper is when he repeats this list under "What I can't live without." Yes, apparently this guy can't live without his Xbox, the History & Sci-Fi Channel, and FNC - I'm guessing another TV channel. All together it portrays you as a couch potato/TV junkie - and for the vast majority of women, all the women I know, that is not attractive. It's a total turn-off. I'm all for being honest, and if that really is what you are most passionate about, best wishes for finding that rare anomaly of a women who also enjoys that lifestyle and those past-times.

Here is another tip - learn how to wordsmith and put a positive spin on traits that you feel you need to share in your profile that may not be desirable. Remember, you are trying to put your best foot forward and make a good impression with your profile. Admittedly it feels awkward, like you are marketing yourself, but that is exactly what you are doing. Just like you present your best self in your resume and in an interview for a job; in dating you need to present your best self. Here is an example of what not to say: 'I'm socially awkward and don't like small groups of people... I am often thought of as pretentious." I suppose he should get points for being blatantly honest but combined with the Cartoon Network and Xbox fascination, this guy is acing himself out of the dating scene. I'm sure he is a nice, decent, good guy who is lonely and truly wants to have a relationship, but he isn't painting a good picture of himself. And in the online virtual word, you are judged and measured solely on your written description of yourself and photos; there is no context to help shape interpretation. Being a freebie user I can't see pictures, so in this instance it's only the words that count.

I'm feeling quite ungenerous to this poor fella that I've just ripped apart - and I could go on with other examples from his profile. So what would I suggest to him? First off, don't list your favorite TV shows, movie genres and video games in what you are most passionate about. If you feel it's necessary to list specifics, do so under the question of how you typically spend your leisure time. And if you can, move all references to TV and video games to that section. It may be how you spend the bulk of your leisure time, but is it really what you are most passionate about? Elsewhere he talks very highly of his family, that would be a great thing to put under the passionate category - "I am passionate about maintaining strong family relationships and investing time and myself into building up my mother and sister, being there for them." Now, that would be attractive. As for the socially awkward comment, that's a tough nut to crack, especially without knowing how it manifests. Maybe something like... "Small group settings are not my forte; I prefer larger groups where I can be more of an observer." Or, "I prefer being one-on-one where I can really open up and share." Highlight was does work for you, not what doesn't. Really. Is it any wonder that Sarah and I are still single?

Those are my online dating tips of the week. I hope you have enjoyed them and find them useful - for entertainment purposes. I've got more to come, lots more, so stay tuned. Sarah and I are out there to bring back the best to you!