It Could be Worse...

I have a funny fetish. Truth be told, I have a lot of funny fetishes (how many jars of honey do you have?). One of the many is for shirts with thumb holes. Adding over-sized button holes to shirt cuffs and calling them "thumb holes" is pretty much genius in my book. But all too often I have a problem with my beloved thumb ports (that sounds better, doesn't it?); my arms are too long. Now, I don't know with any certainty whether my arms are too long or the sleeves too short, that is up for debate, although I'm placing my bet on it being the shirts problem. Whatever the crux of the problem may be, the result is the same: to use the thumb port, it pulls and pinches the skin between my thumb and index finger to the point of pain, and possibly ripping the shirt. Yesterday while I was running errands a new problem arose from not using the too short thumb ports, they also act as vents for very cold air to shoot up into my sleeve. It really is quite the dilemma.

Yesterday evening as a means of procrastinating and avoiding work, I called my mom and explained my dilemma to her. She responded with a family favorite phrase since childhood thanks to a book of the same name, "Could be worse!" My response:

"You are so right! It could be a whole lot worse. I could only have one shirt, or not clothes at all! I could not have a home to come home to and warm up in. I could be an indentured slave in India working in a quarry who has no hope of a better life. But I do have an education, and options, and have lots of creature comforts. It could be a whole lot worse."

How about that for a little perspectives check? God has been good to me, life is pretty great.

And for those days when the thumb ports don't reach my thumbs, I've got a solution - fingerless gloves! A week before Christmas the gym was having a gift boutique, and on my way out this cozy little gems caught my eye. The gal takes old cashmere sweaters and refashions them into gloves lined in jersey. Because they have been one of the better impulse purchases I have made, I wanted to share her work. Her Etsy shop is called Gasspedals and she is just as darling as her gloves. Although they could be renamed to "thumb port extenders" as they do a marvelous job fixing my problem, there's even photographic evidence. My cousin refers to them as "almost mittens," and that could work too - it's all marketing. 

Sad, cold thumb and vent exposing my limb to the elements.

A happy, cozy hand with the offending vent covered thanks to my Gasspedals 'thumb port extender.' Yay!

Inky-Dinky-Do

Hello All,

How are you doing this Friday? True confession time: I have a fantasy of someday getting a tattoo. I doubt I’ll ever have the gumption to permanently mark my body with something for life, but I like to pretend that one day I will. And when that day comes, I want to be prepared with a design, something that represents me, says something about who I am, that will be true forever, and ever, amen! As I was dinking around on Pinterest last night I had the idea to type “tattoo” and “ink” into the search bar to see if I would get inspired enough to commit to something. Instead I questioned why I want to join a club of such freaky weird people. (C’mon – there are some frightening and bizarre tattoos out there!)

I looked through the images and thought, well… the time I’ve spent in central/eastern Europe has instilled a fondness for matrushkas. Apparently this girl really likes them too.

 I think I’ll stick with my lil’ pot holders that are mostly non-functional but so cute that I leave them on the counter (and use them as  trivets).

And as y’all know my favorite pastime is kitchen chemistry. I’ve been known to call my professional KitchenAid by the name “My Precious.”  While I am in awe of the artists ability to create the reflective surface, this may be a bit over the top for me. 

 Maybe I should just stick to the basics.

I have a severe case of wanderlust, and want to travel the world. How about getting the globe outlined on my feet? Oh, that’s been done. But I could have each state/country that I visit filled in and slowly color in the map and show where my feet have walked! But then my shoes would clash – that won’t do!

I am rarely without a camera. If I got a tattoo of a camera then I really would never, ever be without one – not that an inked one would be all that helpful.

I readily admit that I have a drinking problem. That’s not changing.

Coffee or tea??

One lump or two??

If an 8.0 earthquake hit, my home would stand strong – held up by books alone.

I like Animal! J (What girl doesn’t have a soft spot for the bad boy drummer??) J

This was the best find of the night!! In my perusing, I even found a photo of Eric's tatted up arm. Nice, dude! (For those who don't know, Eric is one of my co-workers who is constantly razzed about having squirrel slaves that power his house, which is in boon-dock New Hampshire.)

I just found this really funny. J

Well… I’m not inspired just yet. I guess the hunt for the perfect tattoo continues. 

Patrick commands it!

I have been given the opportunity to work from home on a regular basis. I can choose a couple days a week, and I'm struggling. Do I really want two days, or is one enough? Oddly enough, I actually like being in the office. With co-workers like Patrick, the day goes by much more entertainingly.

Patrick [2:36 PM]:

Ok, well I will continue to work on this list. I will cc you on my response to the Test team. It will include the items that are retired that will need to be removed

Jennifer [2:37 PM]:

perfect. thank you.

Patrick [2:39 PM]:

Can you come down here

Patrick [2:39 PM]:

Ro and Jay want to yell at you

Patrick [2:39 PM]:

in a nice way

Patrick [2:39 PM]:

with love and candy

Jennifer [2:39 PM]:

what!? no way! if they want to yell at me they can come up.

Patrick [2:40 PM]:

they want to talk to you about something and they want me to chime in about stuff

Patrick [2:40 PM]:

so they would like you come down

Jennifer [2:40 PM]:

what's the magic word?

Patrick [2:40 PM]:

You are great?

Patrick [2:40 PM]:

You are the best?

Patrick [2:40 PM]:

Flattery will get me everywhere?

Jennifer [2:40 PM]:

(it starts with a "P")

Patrick [2:40 PM]:

Patrick!

Patrick [2:40 PM]:

Patrick commands it!

Patrick [2:41 PM]:

Is that what you were looking for?

Jennifer [2:41 PM]:

so close, and yet so very far away

Patrick [2:41 PM]:

Please

Jennifer [2:41 PM]:

Oh, okay! Just one lil' moment.

Patrick [2:41 PM]:

ok, thank you

Re-Plumbed and Death Threats

A collection of a few random tidbits and stories from the office that made me laugh.

As Jon stood at my cubicle wall chatting, I put in my antibiotic and steroid eye drops that are required for a week after Lasik surgery. This conversation followed:
Me: These eye drops taste so awful!
Jon: Uh, I'm pretty sure that you are supposed to put them in your eye NOT your mouth.
Me: Goober!! I AM putting them in my eyes.
Jon: How does that work? Why are you tasting them?
Me: (pulling my lower eye lid down) This hole here, they drain out of here, down to the back of my nasal cavity and into the back of my mouth where I get to taste them.
Jon: That's so weird.
Me: They put in plugs so I don't know why I taste it so much.
Jon: Yeah, I was going to say something about that, but then I got distracted thinking about all the weird things that are draining into my mouth. (insert scrunched up disgusted face)
Me: What do you think is ending up in your mouth? It's starting out in your eye? What are you putting in your eye that you wouldn't want in your mouth?
Jon: I don't know - it's just gross! AND I'm pretty sure that something is messed up with you and the drops don't actually have any taste. I think you need to get things replumbed, I think it is just YOU that is weird and has your eyes drain into your mouth. (insert repulsed face)
Me: I'll get right on that; it will be my weekend project.

Adam brought fried plantain chips back from his food cart lunch run and offered to share. After offering them to me, and I recognizing what it was in time, quickly pulled my hand back and declined, he went to Jon, saying, "I just tried to kill Jenn by offering her one, but she didn't take it, which means more for you."
Contrary to Jon's non-adventurous taste palette he did try one and commented,
"It doesn't really taste like a nana."
Me: Well, they are a plantain - they don't have a strong bano flavor, just a nana flavor.
Jon: Yeah, I don't know if I've even actually had a plantain either.
Me: They are not for eating plain, they have to be cooked. But they are good with lots of salt.
Jon: Oh, but part of the nanner family... so you're still allergic?
Me: I have not tested the theory but work under the assumption that I am allergic to the whole genre of bananaers. It's not worth dying to find out.

Over the holidays the office was quiet, really quiet, as many of my co-workers took the two weeks that their kids were out of school as vacation. This caused my work to slow down, significantly. As a result, I got a little "pranky." I picked on Jon, recruiting some co-workers, we redecorating his cube, giving it a personal touch which it was still lacking after moving in to this building a year ago. Then Kristi's little owl friend and I started having some adventures around the office, and then downtown, and it even came home with me. But her cubicle had some decorating help from myself and the few co-workers who were around as well. "Put a bird on it!" The Portlandia catch-phrase she enjoys so much was applied to her cube.
She wrote me an email a week ago that said, "You know what they say about payback..." She was basically warning me to be on my guard. So when I saw her at work today, a Friday, a day she normally works from home, and then Jon disappeared for about an hour, I started to get paranoid. I was convinced they were plotting and scheming on how to get back at me. I finally got smart and checked their calendars and found reasonable explanations for their appearance or absence, as the case may be, but that does not mean I am letting my guard down.

And because I'm late in posting once again, here is bonus content from the following Monday. It decided to think about snowing in Portland and the ground was looking extra frosty, but nothing to cause concern. Yet Jon, with all his SoCal snow driving experience, decided to work from home to avoid the snow.
Later in the morning I IM'ed him from my desk at work, at the office, downtown:
Merriam-Webster's word of the day: graupel - granular snow. How appropriate for today. Used in a sentance: "Jon was scared like a little girl to drive in the 2 mm of graupel that was on the ground this morning."
Jon: ha..ha..ha...verrrrry funny.
Me: I thought so.

Stocking Up

Squirrels store up nuts for winter, similarly I stockpile chocolate.

Yes, you are counting correctly - that is a pile of 6 chocolate bars, 6 different flavors. As the cashier turned his attention to my groceries he quipped, "Someone is stocking up! Or had a really bad day."
I laughed and joked back, "It's been a rough week, a girl has gotta have her chocolate." The guy before me took a step back to check out what I was purchasing before grabbing his bag and leaving. I tried to rationalize my purchase, "These are the only chocolate that are total allergy free for me and since they're on sale, I'm stocking up!" He gave me a funny glance as in, 'What on earth could you be allergic to in a regular bar of chocolate?' And I just thought, 'Oh, honey! We don't have time for me to list it all!' Instead he asked if I had every tried a particular brand - I can't remember what it is now - explaining that it costs $9.00 for a small bar. My eyes got big as saucers, "Really!? What makes it so special?" "I don't know. We sell it, you'll have to check it out next time." After that I took my receipt, my bundle of chocolate and box of tofu and left. (Yes, a box of tofu! Duh! I couldn't buy just chocolate. That would be ridiculous. Plus I needed something for lunch the next day.)

The Coffee Drinker Who Doesn't Like Coffee

We stood on either side of the condiment bar at Starbucks, doctoring up our cups of coffee. "Jenn, would you pass me some sugar?" I looked at my side of the bar and noticed there wasn't any of the Sugar in the Raw packets, but then saw them on top. I pointed to the canister that was closer to him, "It's right here." "No. Not that kind of sugar, the normal kind." I look down at the cubbies again and see three packets of "normal" white sugar. I dig one out and hand it to him. Jon just stares at me. "That's it? Can I have another one please?" "How much sugar do you need?" He had already put one of the "Raw" sugars into his coffee. "I need a lot, okay!?" I hand him one more sugar. His head tilts, an exaggerated sigh escapes, and his hand is still held out in front of me. I pass him the last sugar packet. "That is going to be so sweet!" "It has to be really sweet for me to drink it. I don't really like coffee." "What!?!?" I'm completely shocked and perplexed, we go to coffee fairly often, and I'm just learning this about him. "I like that it is hot." "Why don't you drink tea then?" "It leaves a funny taste in my mouth?" "How about hot cocoa, then?" His face scrunches up, "That would just be weird!"  I didn't even attempt to understand that last statement. There is no accounting for or understanding Jon and his drinking preferences.

As we were walking to Starbucks we passed a MAX stop that had an alert posted: "Due to "Occupy Portland" some services may be interrupted or take longer than normal." I mentioned it to Jon, wondering if he knew what "Occupy Portland" was. I had heard it mentioned on the news, but didn't have any details. He hadn't even heard of it. This afternoon we received an email from Office Operations warning us about "Occupy Portland" - a protest and march event planned for Thursday.  Jon and I started chatting via Communicator.
Jon: We should join them!
Jenn: OH! That is BRILLIANT! Let's do it!
Jon: We can just yell catchphrases like... Yes we can!
Up with hope, down with dope!
umm, what are some other ones?
Dude, you're getting a Dell! That'd be a fun one to yell.
Jenn: hahahaha!! Hell no! We won't go! - that's a classic
Jon: hmmm, I don't know if that'll work when the mob will be marching somewhere...but it would be funny to chant that while you're walking away from a location
Jenn: Okay, maybe not.
Jon: I can't believe it's not butter!
Jenn: That would be HILARIOUS!!!!!
*At this point I was lost in hysterics made worse by trying not to laugh too loud, which just made me start crying with loud staccato bursts of laughter.
Jenn: I have a whole Will Ferrel (in Old School) scene going on in my head with that last one.
Jon: hahahah, we're going streaking through the park...bring your green hat.
*After this I totally lost composure. Even writing it now I am snickering at the thought of Will Ferrel running through Portland, through the protesting crowd with just a green hat, yelling "I can't believe it's not butter!"

This morning I had to park on the street as the office parking was full. In response we had this conversation first thing this morning:
Jon: I was just talking to SAA about how she rides her bike to work now...maybe you should start doing that! Then you wouldn't have to worry about parking!
Jenn: I would have to buy a bike.
A helmet.
A bell.
That's too much investment.
Jon: Ha, it's funny that those are your first concerns...I would think living so far away would be on of the first!

And one last bonus courtesy of Jon. He shared this link with me today. I was frightened and intrigued all at the same time. We decided I should get a pet hyena to keep me safe in Honduras.
http://www.pieterhugo.com/the-hyena-other-men/

Heads to Keep My Head

I knew going into this trip it was going to be bitter-sweet. I would spend time with people I love that I do not see very often, be in a place I enjoy, but that it was also a time to say 'good-bye' and bring closure to the "European" part of my life. A friend asked where in the world I was, I responded "I'm in my other home from a previous life." And that is the truth of it. Strange as it seems, Brno is in a sense "home." But it wasn't until today that I got that deep pang in the heart; the realization that I really do love Brno, love being with Bethany and Gloria, which filled me with longing to return, but knowing that I am saying "no" to this option in life. And if it weren't for my plastic baggie of heads, I might waver in that decision.

It started as just a silly idea sparked by photos from Becca and John's trip to South Africa. Something that would be fun and hopefully get a few laughs. With Charissa's amazing help I came to Europe armed with 20+ "Micah boys on a stick." The hope was to take photos using the heads, show the boys that even though I am traveling half way around the world - they are still in my thoughts. Plus, it makes some of the photos more interesting, in a quirky kind of way. But who knew that my desire for gag photos would be providential - or as Natasha put it: "So glad you have your heads to KEEP your head." Even though I had no idea I would need a reminder of a greater love than I have for my friends here, quaint buildings, yummy food, castles at every turn, history that goes back multitudes of centuries and cobblestone streets that test my ability to walk, when I packed my Micah heads, they have been providential. Always carrying at least a few with me hoping to find an inspired shot, and the interaction on Facebook after I post the photos, has kept me tied to Micah and my heart on course. Who woulda thunk!? Ahh... the providence of God - what a blessed thing!

More Communicator Entertainment

Jennifer Streger [9:27 AM]:
why are you in a meeting??
Jon Tasker [9:27 AM]:
cuz I'm a very and important person
Jennifer Streger [9:27 AM]:
and?
Jennifer Streger [9:27 AM]:
you are very a person?
Jon Tasker [9:27 AM]:
what? that's the reason
Jon Tasker [9:28 AM]:
oh, yes
Jennifer Streger [9:28 AM]:
cool. you are special.
Jon Tasker [9:28 AM]:
my mind moves so fast that it doesn't NEED the words that other people need.
Jon Tasker [9:28 AM]:
ummm, cuz I set a reminder and forgot to uncheck the show as busy thing.
Jennifer Streger [9:28 AM]:
if it moves so fast, I bet you know what I'm gonna write next
Jon Tasker [9:28 AM]:
you can just talk in fragments and I'll understand
Jennifer Streger [9:29 AM]:
crashing... problems... Friday...
Jennifer Streger [9:29 AM]:
comprende?
Jon Tasker [9:29 AM]:
ha, yeah, you didn't even have to say that much, i could tell from you sighs so early on.
Jennifer Streger [9:30 AM]:
oh, you are good. very person good!
Jon Tasker [9:30 AM]:
I AM a very person aren't I?!
Jennifer Streger [9:30 AM]:
so when?
Jon Tasker [9:31 AM]:
mmm...6
Jennifer Streger [9:31 AM]:
bueno!
Jennifer Streger [9:37 AM]:
listo ahora??
Jon Tasker [9:37 AM]:
si
Jennifer Streger [9:37 AM]:
vamanos!

[We then left and went to Starbucks.]

Battle of the Egos

Jon and I recently had to move cubicles. We now sit about 50 feet from where we used to (okay, I'm making that up - I have no idea how far it is really, but it's not too far), but now we don't have the special set-up that we requested. We have a full wall between us and sit 'stacked' instead of facing one another. Even though Jon is only 8 feet away, it feels a world apart. I miss him. Kind of pathetic, I know. We still talk, but mostly through Communicator. Like today...


Jennifer Streger [1:13 PM]:
ACK!! Thwarted once again!!! The miles listed were for ONE WAY not round trip! AHHH!!!! I actually need 10k more miles to make it work. This sucks.
Jon Tasker [1:13 PM]:
uhoh, of course, and WHY can you im me, and I JUST tried to IM you like 60 seconds ago and it wouldn't let me?!
Jennifer Streger [1:13 PM]:
because you are ridiculous
Jon Tasker [1:13 PM]:
ssssooo, no Honduras then?
Jennifer Streger [1:14 PM]:
Oh, no. I'm going.
Jennifer Streger [1:14 PM]:
somehow.
Jon Tasker [1:14 PM]:
or you might have to actually work like 2 weeks in between trips as opposed to just one?
Jennifer Streger [1:14 PM]:
no WAY!!
Jon Tasker [1:14 PM]:
1 week work, 2 weeks vacation...I think you get different PTO than I do.
Jennifer Streger [1:15 PM]:
thats because I have more seniority
Jon Tasker [1:15 PM]:
Than who?! I'm the Content Support Wizard
Jon Tasker [1:15 PM]:
That's my new title
Jennifer Streger [1:15 PM]:
BUT I'm the queen
Jon Tasker [1:15 PM]:
hmmm, normally the queen HAS a wizard huh...who's over the queen??
Jennifer Streger [1:15 PM]:
the wizard always works for the monarchy
Jennifer Streger [1:15 PM]:
only God is over the queen
Jon Tasker [1:16 PM]:
hmmm, so CSG is my new title?
Jennifer Streger [1:16 PM]:
I'm thinking... NO!

and then our conversation turned back to business and the discussion of how to classify a specific DOR. I'll save you from the boring part and not include that exchange.

A day in the life...

Living in cubicle land has it's disadvantages -or advantages, depending on how you see them. One is the ability to hear one side of a conversation. Today, lots of people were having phone calls that were just inappropriate to have in "the open." There was one fella from the other side of the building who decided to not bother his co-workers with his phone call by come to the other side of the building. Wasn't that considerate? Jon and I got to listen to this guy argue and apologize profusely to whoever was on the other end of the phone. It was really entertaining and gave us lots of fodder to joke around with. But Jon always has the best lines. Read this:

Jon Tasker [2:43 PM]:
i wonder if people like that ever regret moving down here now?! I've heard more cell phone arguments that I ever heard before at the other place...now that we have no doors.
Jennifer Streger [2:44 PM]:
If only he knew how much entertainment value he was providing
Jon Tasker [2:45 PM]:
ha, maybe we should bring that up somehow...that one of the positives of moving to this crack infested, fake pink noise, sweat shop layout is that we get to hear our executive leaders argue on their cell phones like 4 year olds.
Jennifer Streger [2:46 PM]:
you kill me

Clown Cup Cakery

My co-worker Kristi is a great friend. For her birthday I bake something special. This year, I took a stab at a new recipe from a link that a friend had posted on Facebook. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cupcakes - it sounded delicious! Something amazing for an amazing friend. It required two steps.


The first step is to make cookie dough - but without the baking powder, soda, or the egg, substituting milk for the eggs. Then scoop, roll, and shape. Place on the mat and freeze.

After the cookie dough is good and frozen - the next day for me - it's time to make the cupcake batter and place the logs of frozen cookie dough in the middle. I was rather skeptical of them turning out at this point.

But after they came out of the oven, my skepticism disappeared. I was hoping that all evidence of the cookie dough would disappear, but just a little flirted at the top, hinting at the surprise within.

Top off with a little cookie dough buttercream and some mini chocolate chips and they are looking tasty! So tasty that I had to take a bite. After all, they needed a taste test before I offered them to my co-workers.

Oh. My. Goodness!! Look at that little burst of cookie dough in the middle, offering a delightful surprise in an otherwise ordinary looking cupcake. That was the most amazing bite of my life! Seriously. I don't know that I have ever tasted anything quite so good, and it will take something amazing to top it. Best cupcake - EVER!

Now, if the cupcakes weren't incredibly awesome enough on their own, some also had an adorable clown decoration to make them perfect. Perfect in so many ways. Kristi, the birthday girl of honor, and Lindsay another co-worker with a birthday over the weekend, do not like clowns. It is an on-going joke between myself and several co-workers; I like clowns, want to be a clown, and several co-workers can't stand them. Adding to the clowniness, another good friend has a birthday coming up at the end of the week, so I made a few extra for him, a member of the Rose Festival Clown Corps.

Saturday... and the League of Justice

I guess a theme is developing around days of the week. Saturday I went out to lunch with my mom. For two hours I talked almost non-stop. Those of you who know me well are probably questioning that comment and think I'm making it up. I know, it is rare, but every once in a blue moon I talk a blue streak. As I said 'good-bye' I apologized for monopolizing the conversation and commented, "Saying everything out loud, my life sounds kind of like a soap opera." My mother too quickly agreed. Gee! Thanks, mom! "I can't believe I talked the whole time! Can you tell Jon is gone?"
Yes, Jon is gone. I took him and his wife, Missy, to the airport at the unreasonable hour of 5:30am on Thursday. They'll be back, but not until next weekend. I'm facing an entire week on my own at work. It makes me realize how much I depend on Jon, not only for work but for a social outlet too. Actually, I had to face this a month ago. He took a half week off for two weeks in a row, and when he was in the office, I was home sick. We went for two weeks without seeing each other. The first Monday we were both back in the office we talked like a couple magpies for an hour before getting to any work. Jon made the comment over Communicator a little later about how long it had been since we'd seen each other. I typed back: "I know! I've missed you!" His head reared back and brow furrowed in confusion as he gave me a quizzical look. "It's not the same around here without you." Jon, Jon, Jon... our relationship is beyond definition. Missy told me Thursday that I am his "office wife." I am not comfortable with that. I always wanted a twin brother like my mom. If I could choose, I'd choose Jon to be my twin. Which is why I call Jon my Wonder Twin. They may not be the coolest superheros in the halls of the Justice League, but it suits Jon and I. We work better together - Wonder Twins powers activate!

Friday Funny

I have taken on an unofficial job responsibility at work of sending out the "Friday Funny," an email with a video link, cartoon, cute animal picture, or some such web nonsense that will elicit at least a smile if not a full on chuckle from my work-mates. My team is often stressed and a bit frazzled by the amount of work and deadlines that we have to deal with; we need to lighten up, and people put funny things out there. You won't find "Send Friday Funny email to team" in my job description, but it is expected of me as if it were written in stone. Teammates send me material and suggestions for future emails. Throughout the week I keep a watchful eye out for good fodder. Unwittingly, my brother is my biggest helper in fulfilling this duty. His Twitter and Facebook feed is my most common source of material. He is the funniest person I know, and he finds good stuff. I enjoy sending these emails – I enjoy making people laugh. The best part happens within the first 10 minutes after I send it out, as I hear laughter randomly pop from different cubicles across the normally 'quiet as a library' floor. 
Here's an example from this week's email. Enjoy!

Love on the winds of Petrol

Thanks to my new commute and my second job which sends me in three different directions I have to fill up my car with gas much more frequently. I get great mileage but I find myself hunting for a gas station almost once a week now. Quite the change from my 3-4 week interval when the office was just a few miles down the road. My goal is to find the cheapest gas but sometimes my hunt outlasts my gas tank and I have to resort to whatever is convenient so that I can actually make it to work the next morning. And what is often the most convenient is the Chevron just down the street from my house. It isn’t the cheapest but it is the most entertaining. And when I need a little affection, I know where to steer my car – straight to my gas station boyfriend at the Chevron!

I found myself in need of gas the other night; it was later in the evening so my best option was the Chevron. As I pulled in next to the pump I spotted my boyfriend, not in need of affection I didn’t put my window all the way down hoping that would deter him. Manuel was excited to see me, “Hello my friend!” “Hola, amigo.”  “I have not seen you in long time.” “I’ve been here, you have not.” I passed him my debit card and asked him to fill it up with regular. As he gave me my card back he mentioned that it was going to be his birthday the next day. “Really? It was your birthday the last time I was here!” He started laughing and reached in my window to squeeze my shoulder. Hm… guess having the window only half way down was not enough of a deterrent to touch me. “You come celebrate with tequila?” “It’s not your birthday.” “No, but you can come for tequila.” For some reason I started to wonder if I had his name correct. I’ve been calling him Manuel for awhile but suddenly I doubted if that was right. “Como se llama?” (Aren’t you impressed that I’m starting to actually try out my feeble Spanish with actual native speakers?!) He gasped, “What?” “Que es su nombre?” He acted hurt, taking quick gasps of air, “You no remember my name? You no know my name?”  “I think I do, but I am not sure.” “What you think?” “Manuel?” Looking pained, he responded “Ohhhh!! You no know my name!” As he walked to the other side of the pump to assist another customer he yelled over his shoulder, “You not my friend! You not my friend! But I love you.” I couldn’t help but laugh.

After getting the other car started he came back around and unzipped his coat to show me his name badge – Raphael. I’ve been calling him the wrong name all this time! But I think I’ll still call him Manuel, it suits him better. He then replaced the gas cap and handed me my receipt which was followed with his arm reaching in around my shoulders awkwardly through the limited  window opening to give me a hug.  “Bye bye. See you soon. I love you!” Through fits of laughter and shaking my head, “Adios amigo.” Yes, it is definitely worth the extra dollar for the entertainment.

Jon brings the entertainment

It was a lovely sunny day in Stumptown. The bright blue skies beckoned, my skin was craving to feel the sun and it's warmth. As lunch time rolled around I informed Jon that I was going for a long walk and hitting Starbucks on the way back. Would he like to join me or bring back a drink for him? He opted to come along for a stroll. We joined the throngs of other people along the waterfront marveling at the sun. I asked if he watched "The Voice" last night; we had both caught the last portion of it. I asked if he knew any of the judges - Christina Aguilera I knew, but not any of the guys. A barrage of questions came from Jon. "What? You don't know Adam?" "No." " Maroon 5. You've heard of them" "No." "What? You've never heard of Maroon 5? They're big. And you know Cee Lo." "I do?" "YES! Remember I sent you that video link awhile ago with the song that had all the swearing." "Oh, yeah! That's why the song sounded familiar." Jon and I discussed what a funny shape Cee Lo is - it's like his arms are too short for his body. Jon told me about his Grammy performance, for which he dressed up like a peacock which made Blake Shelton's comment last night make sense. And how he got started as part of Gnarles Barkley - Jon knows quite a bit about the guy.

Jon and I continued walking and talking, there is rarely a lack of words and topics. We did hit a Starbucks on our way back to the office for an afternoon caffeine pick-me-up. Once back in the office Jon took it upon himself to familiarize me with Cee Lo.  He was certain that I should know him. Jon started IMing me.

Jon: this song?  Remember it or no?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd2B6SjMh_w
As I start to listen, I shake my head no.
Jon: not even THAT one?!
But then the refrain kicked in and I did start to recognize it. 
Jon: did you like his other song [Forget you]?  if he didn't swear and offend your little old lady ears?
When I read that last line I let out a loud burst of laughter that rang out across the whole office floor and I broke down into a hysterical fit of laughter until I was collapsed over the side of my chair crying. Where does he come up with this stuff?  But thanks to Jon I have had "Forget You"  - the clean version from the Grammy's (wouldn't want to offend my little old lady ears) - stuck in my head all afternoon. 

In retaliation I threw a little Laker smack his way. Jon, being a fairly recent So.Cal. transplant to Rip City has not been able to switch his team allegiance to the Trail Blazer and continues to support the Lakers, which is nearly a crime in my opinion. We've been talking smack about each other's teams for months now. I can count on always hearing the retort - "Well, you're originally from LA too!" Yeah, great come back dude! I'll text Jon after the Lakers lose a game, but he never responds, which slightly diminishes my enjoyment of gloating, but not so much as to make me stop. A couple weeks ago we started using our CSA weekly reporting as another platform to get a dig or two in; and using team colors to distinguish between our data. But here I have a distinct advantage as he fills it in first and then send it to me, and I forward it on to our manager, copying him. After I sent the email today I waited anxiously for him to open it. I was not disappointed, I knew exactly when he read it because he started really laughing. It's not often I get him laughing hard.
Today's email included this:

(For those who don't know - the guy is Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavricks who beat the Blazers in the first round of the playoffs, and are now trouncing the Lakers - much to my delight.)

Freakazoid Friday

Friday nights are traditionally date night. I would not know about this, but that is what I've learned from media. I guess you could say I have a date tonight, my friend Kim is coming over for dinner. Does that count? No. As much as I love Kim, she doesn't count.

I am still hopeful that this ridiculous online dating may end my long run of dateless Friday nights. But it will not be with this one dude that surfaced this week. This is a borrowed story, but completely true. Let me tell you about "Dwight" (name changed to protect me from legal action) - Dwight the dweeb. He has quite the list of what he is looking for in a potential spouse. Having a list of key aspects that are critically important is good. Chances are you know yourself and know what will compliment you, what will drive you insane, which values you must agree on, etc. But Dwight has taken it to a whole new level. Some of his points are okay, but most of his criteria is absurd and would make for good folly all on its own. The real topper is that this dude had the audacity to send a message to my friend, not to get to know her or ask her out, but to ask if any of her friends would meet his requirements, he may want to date them if so. The guy is an idiot! Am I being too harsh? No, not at all. Read his list and you'll agree:

• An athlete and has lived a disciplined lifestyle. 
• Loves the commands of God and God-ordained roles for marriage. She is not afraid of submission to the Lord or her husband. If so, please grow spiritually first so that you don't set your marriage up for failure or great difficulty. Marriage is difficult enough without one or both people not being spiritually mature. 
• She is a college grad and probably between 28-38 and doesn't have any major baggage. 
• Someone who has saved herself for marriage, thus no kids, no STD's ever (all should be tested prior to any seriousness in a relationship if you don't trust they are truly a virgin). 
• Someone who isn't a musician/artist/singer/theater type of person nor a pentecostal, charistmatic, or catholic or any denomination close to them.
• I am attracted to the slender/toned types, not the overweight types, which includes being significantly overweight at any time in the past. 
• Someone who doesn't wear eyewear. 
• I don't want any pets and I'm open to 0-2 kids, not more. 
• She not only has to be debt-free but have at least 10's of thousands saved up already to show her frugality and her financial preparedness NOW and in the past for godly marriage. Sadly, most have failed in this area. And finances are the biggest problems in a marriage so be smart, live simple now and invest now for your marriage. 
• I don't drink alcohol or coffee. I'm not a sweets person, either. I'd like to eat more healthy than I do, so that is something I'd look for as well, but not a health nut, either. 
• I'm not interested in women who have piercings in places other than their ears. I'm not into jewelry so it doesn't impress me to see it on others, just as I'm not materialistic, so I don't care for someone who loves to dress up or wear expensive clothes, shoes, etc. Money should be saved and invested for important things in life, not on immediate gratification, which is materialism. Immediate gratification is a sign of spiritual immaturity. 
• As I mentioned, I'm looking for a spiritually mature, athletic woman.

With a list like this I am thinking he is the one with serious major baggage issues, which is why he doesn't want a wife with baggage. He doesn't want someone who is ever going to grow old, because eventually everyone needs glasses. Dwight needs his partner to have lots of money so that he can mooch off of her. I'm amused that he groups pets and children together as if they are nearly one in the same. He wants someone who is spiritually mature to make up for his immaturity, selfishness and vanity, but if they are mature, they should also be wise enough to run as fast as they can away from him.

I make no apologies for today's bashing. He actually makes me irate and I only try to laugh at him to keep from blowing a gasket. I've known Dwights and they are dangerous people - manipulative, controlling, abusive, people. I've been witness to the havoc they can wreck in a person's life; and the wake of destruction they leave in their path is horribly messy. But don't take it from me, a girl who would not have an ounce of credibility in the eyes of Dwight, take it from Mark Driscoll - a godly man's man. He tells it like it is in this sermon:

Wading into Murky Waters

A couple months ago Sarah and I decided to give online dating a whirl... again. While neither one of us have had much (or any) success in the past, we have had several friends who are married with the help of an online service. What did we have to lose? Maybe we meet someone nice, have a date, maybe even meet a mate, but at the very least we have a good story. One of the best parts of online dating services is the entertainment value; the profiles alone are entertaining. Sarah and I have been taking advantage of trial days and free "communication events" so it hasn't even cost us a dime; of course you get what you pay for. Recently I was sent a match that surpassed anything I had seen before and is now the epitome of what not to put on your profile. It's just too good not to share. (And if you're thinking of making a profile, heed my advice.)

First off, for the question of "What are you most passionate about?" Even if you are a total techno-geek, it is not advisable to list your favorite TV shows, especially if it includes the Cartoon Network, and all your favorite genres of movies. And it's even worse when you follow it with "Xbox" and a list of your favorite games. But the topper is when he repeats this list under "What I can't live without." Yes, apparently this guy can't live without his Xbox, the History & Sci-Fi Channel, and FNC - I'm guessing another TV channel. All together it portrays you as a couch potato/TV junkie - and for the vast majority of women, all the women I know, that is not attractive. It's a total turn-off. I'm all for being honest, and if that really is what you are most passionate about, best wishes for finding that rare anomaly of a women who also enjoys that lifestyle and those past-times.

Here is another tip - learn how to wordsmith and put a positive spin on traits that you feel you need to share in your profile that may not be desirable. Remember, you are trying to put your best foot forward and make a good impression with your profile. Admittedly it feels awkward, like you are marketing yourself, but that is exactly what you are doing. Just like you present your best self in your resume and in an interview for a job; in dating you need to present your best self. Here is an example of what not to say: 'I'm socially awkward and don't like small groups of people... I am often thought of as pretentious." I suppose he should get points for being blatantly honest but combined with the Cartoon Network and Xbox fascination, this guy is acing himself out of the dating scene. I'm sure he is a nice, decent, good guy who is lonely and truly wants to have a relationship, but he isn't painting a good picture of himself. And in the online virtual word, you are judged and measured solely on your written description of yourself and photos; there is no context to help shape interpretation. Being a freebie user I can't see pictures, so in this instance it's only the words that count.

I'm feeling quite ungenerous to this poor fella that I've just ripped apart - and I could go on with other examples from his profile. So what would I suggest to him? First off, don't list your favorite TV shows, movie genres and video games in what you are most passionate about. If you feel it's necessary to list specifics, do so under the question of how you typically spend your leisure time. And if you can, move all references to TV and video games to that section. It may be how you spend the bulk of your leisure time, but is it really what you are most passionate about? Elsewhere he talks very highly of his family, that would be a great thing to put under the passionate category - "I am passionate about maintaining strong family relationships and investing time and myself into building up my mother and sister, being there for them." Now, that would be attractive. As for the socially awkward comment, that's a tough nut to crack, especially without knowing how it manifests. Maybe something like... "Small group settings are not my forte; I prefer larger groups where I can be more of an observer." Or, "I prefer being one-on-one where I can really open up and share." Highlight was does work for you, not what doesn't. Really. Is it any wonder that Sarah and I are still single?

Those are my online dating tips of the week. I hope you have enjoyed them and find them useful - for entertainment purposes. I've got more to come, lots more, so stay tuned. Sarah and I are out there to bring back the best to you!

Is romance in the air? Or just the fumes of gasoline?

A few weeks ago I made a comment on Facebook that the dating lives of my roommate and I should be made into a reality TV show; that I find it extremely amusing. The comment was met with enthusiastic responses. While I may not be able to pull together a TV show, I can post the occasionally blog with the more entertaining escapades. Valentine's Day seemed like the perfect time to start. So with no more introduction...

Okay, maybe a little more introduction... a refresher. I have an admirer. I call him Manuel. I'm not entirely sure that is his name, but that is what is etched on his name tag. He works at the Chevron station just down the street from my home. I wrote about him previously in "Manuel, Applicant for Boyfriend." I know you're overjoyed that there is another installment.

A dark evening last week (when is it not dark in the evening this time of year?) I needed gas for my car and was low enough that I needed to go to the station nearest my house. Slowly pulling into the gas station I stare down the attendant to see if it is my grande amor, Manuel. I don't recognize the fellow and was a mixture of relief and disappointment - he is entertaining afterall. Stepping out of the car I walk over to the island and grab the window-washer-scrubber-squeegee thing and start scrubbing my front window. My whole car needed to be washed. Badly. But until I could get that done, cleaning off the windows so that I could see would have to suffice. Just after starting on the drivers side of the windshield I hear a voice beside me with a Latin inflection, "What are you doing?" Turning to the voice I am greeted with the sight of my favorite gas station attendant. Had he been there when I drove up? Did I not recognize my best admirer? "I'm washing the window." I answered wondering if I could just stop and dash back into my car for protection. "Do you want to work here?" he asked with a chuckle. I pass him my debit card and ask him to fill it up with regular.

As he fitted the nozzle into the tank he told me it was his birthday. After a long pause during which I debated internally whether to wish him a happy birthday in Spanish or not (would I botch it? would he be offended?) I wished him "Happy birthday!" (in English). By now I had started working on cleaning the back window and Manuel was standing behind my car so I tried to make small talk, "So how old are you?" "What? Why do you ask?" "Because you said it was your birthday." "Why do you want to know?"  "I was just asking." I began to suspect that maybe it wasn't his birthday, but then again, maybe it was and he was unwilling to admit his age.

To avoid talking about his age, Manuel asked "Are you new here? You have not been here before." Oh! How shocking! My heartthrob didn't remember me! It was like a stab in the heart. Okay, not really. It had been many, many months since I had seen him so it wasn't that surprising he didn't remember me, the one he previously had claimed to love. With such a large gap of time since I had seen him, I actually wondered if he had been deported. But here he was standing in front of me trying to get out of me where I live and asking me to come join him for a birthday drink of tequila after he got off work.

Alas, my windows were washed and the tank filled, it was time to say good-bye. But not without a hug! Service at the Chevron is affectionate. Before I knew what was happening I was being squeezed tightly, his stubble painfully feeling like a porcupine against my cheek. "Only because it's your birthday!" I said as I wiggled out of his grip. He said he would see me later for tequila. I got back into my car and as I drove off returned his wave with a smile. Still smelling his cologne as I took off my coat to hang on the hook in the garage I chuckled. Oh, Manuel, you are just so amusing, but I think you have been inhaling the gasoline fumes too long.

New Insights

It has been a quiet week at work with Jon out all week. I've become very accustomed to his presence and it has been missed. But I do have a good Jon story that I have been saving up, so in honor of his birthday last week, here it is:

Jon and I started ambling towards the elevators, embarking on our daily trek across the street to Starbucks. As we pass Joan's office Jon glances in at her office and exclaims, "Oh, she's got Christmas lights up! I freakin' love it! We have them up in our room too." I was startled at such a strong declaration, but quickly started laughing. A love of Christmas twinkle lights doesn't exactly jive with the dyed black hair, tattooed hard rocker persona of Jon; although I know him to be a complete goof-ball. What did make perfect sense was that he was just now noticing the lights Joan had strung up in her office for Halloween - the lights were, after all, purple and orange. Yes, Jon is Mr. Observant. It is several days after Halloween and he is just now noticing. When prodded he confessed that he and Melissa strung up white twinkle lights around the bedroom over the weekend. But his favorite type are the bubble candle lights. He continually surprises me.

And now, a few other random work related stories for your enjoyment at my expense.

I went to lunch with some co-workers the other week. As we drove back to the office Bryan and Steve were talking about a home that was for sale. This quickly deteriorated into why Lake Oswego is so awful and why no one in the car would want to buy a house here. To which someone made the smart remark:
"Excuse me your entitlement is showing!"

I started to feel a little picked on, after all, wasn't I a product of Lake Oswego? I felt compelled to stand-up for my hometown. To which Kristi tried to comfort me with this:
"I recognize that you grew-up in Lake Oswego, but I will not acknowledge it. You do not fit the LO stereotype; you're nice and sweet and don't look down on everyone."

Really Lake Oswego isn't that bad, is it? Sure the school song sounds a little superior -"...stands a school in Lake Oswego ranked among the best. Lake High standards will not fail..." Pshaw! We are sooo not elitist! We're just the best. A fact is a fact.

Sharing a kitchen with everyone on the floor can be rather annoying. Especially when a portion of your coworkers are young wet-behind-the-ear "men." These boy-men don't understand the logic of rinsing dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. That is if the dishes make it that far. And they certainly do not have a clue as to the science of how to load a dishwasher. I try to squelch my OCD tendencies and only take care of my own paraphernalia. But some days, it can't be helped, I have to do the dishes and rearrange the dishwasher to suit my methodology. On one such afternoon my co-worker Adam came in and thanked me and mentioned that it also bugs him. I teasingly said, "These young guys haven't figured out that their mother doesn't work here!" After a dramatic pause, a deep inhale, slowly, as if speaking a deep wisdom, Adam said "I think their mother does work here. Think on that!" Oh, dear!

One of the projects that I have been working on this fall reached a major milestone so the project manager decided we should celebrate. The team was very kind to postpone the celebration until after my trip to Honduras. We all left work early and went to this place called "Players" which is part bar, part games. I had to wander around a bit before I found the group upstairs playing pool, already working on their first drink. I knew that Wei, a co-worker, had left the office at the same time as me, but she was no where to be found. About five minutes after I joined the group, Wei did as well. She had gotten lost and had trouble finding the group too, but she had some help, "I heard your laugh and followed it to find the team."

A Typical Joniffer Conversation

Jon: I don’t like the sound my new belt makes when I sit down.
Jenn: You got a new belt!?!?
Like three weeks ago! I’ve been waiting for you to notice.
I’ve been gone, then you were gone. Plus, I didn’t think you would ever replace that other belt. Did it finally disintegrate?
Pf… that belt is instructable! No, I just couldn’t find one I liked. Or, indestructible.
Ha! Ha! Belt, you will go through the keeper and stop at this hole, and tighten around my wait.
Yes, I instruct my belt every morning. “Belt, today you will hold up my pants.”
Ugh! You’re wearing a brown belt with shirt that has black?! What a faux pas!
Is that not okay?
You shouldn’t mix the color of your accessories. Although I’m wearing a brown belt and black shoes. But I intended to wear brown shoes but changed my mind once I was downstairs and didn’t want to go back up to change my belt since I was already late. I figured my sweater would cover the belt anyhow, so it wouldn’t show.
How do you know this? Does everyone know this rule? Was it something you were taught or just know?
Ah.... yeah, I guess it was taught to me.