Re-Plumbed and Death Threats

A collection of a few random tidbits and stories from the office that made me laugh.

As Jon stood at my cubicle wall chatting, I put in my antibiotic and steroid eye drops that are required for a week after Lasik surgery. This conversation followed:
Me: These eye drops taste so awful!
Jon: Uh, I'm pretty sure that you are supposed to put them in your eye NOT your mouth.
Me: Goober!! I AM putting them in my eyes.
Jon: How does that work? Why are you tasting them?
Me: (pulling my lower eye lid down) This hole here, they drain out of here, down to the back of my nasal cavity and into the back of my mouth where I get to taste them.
Jon: That's so weird.
Me: They put in plugs so I don't know why I taste it so much.
Jon: Yeah, I was going to say something about that, but then I got distracted thinking about all the weird things that are draining into my mouth. (insert scrunched up disgusted face)
Me: What do you think is ending up in your mouth? It's starting out in your eye? What are you putting in your eye that you wouldn't want in your mouth?
Jon: I don't know - it's just gross! AND I'm pretty sure that something is messed up with you and the drops don't actually have any taste. I think you need to get things replumbed, I think it is just YOU that is weird and has your eyes drain into your mouth. (insert repulsed face)
Me: I'll get right on that; it will be my weekend project.

Adam brought fried plantain chips back from his food cart lunch run and offered to share. After offering them to me, and I recognizing what it was in time, quickly pulled my hand back and declined, he went to Jon, saying, "I just tried to kill Jenn by offering her one, but she didn't take it, which means more for you."
Contrary to Jon's non-adventurous taste palette he did try one and commented,
"It doesn't really taste like a nana."
Me: Well, they are a plantain - they don't have a strong bano flavor, just a nana flavor.
Jon: Yeah, I don't know if I've even actually had a plantain either.
Me: They are not for eating plain, they have to be cooked. But they are good with lots of salt.
Jon: Oh, but part of the nanner family... so you're still allergic?
Me: I have not tested the theory but work under the assumption that I am allergic to the whole genre of bananaers. It's not worth dying to find out.

Over the holidays the office was quiet, really quiet, as many of my co-workers took the two weeks that their kids were out of school as vacation. This caused my work to slow down, significantly. As a result, I got a little "pranky." I picked on Jon, recruiting some co-workers, we redecorating his cube, giving it a personal touch which it was still lacking after moving in to this building a year ago. Then Kristi's little owl friend and I started having some adventures around the office, and then downtown, and it even came home with me. But her cubicle had some decorating help from myself and the few co-workers who were around as well. "Put a bird on it!" The Portlandia catch-phrase she enjoys so much was applied to her cube.
She wrote me an email a week ago that said, "You know what they say about payback..." She was basically warning me to be on my guard. So when I saw her at work today, a Friday, a day she normally works from home, and then Jon disappeared for about an hour, I started to get paranoid. I was convinced they were plotting and scheming on how to get back at me. I finally got smart and checked their calendars and found reasonable explanations for their appearance or absence, as the case may be, but that does not mean I am letting my guard down.

And because I'm late in posting once again, here is bonus content from the following Monday. It decided to think about snowing in Portland and the ground was looking extra frosty, but nothing to cause concern. Yet Jon, with all his SoCal snow driving experience, decided to work from home to avoid the snow.
Later in the morning I IM'ed him from my desk at work, at the office, downtown:
Merriam-Webster's word of the day: graupel - granular snow. How appropriate for today. Used in a sentance: "Jon was scared like a little girl to drive in the 2 mm of graupel that was on the ground this morning."
Jon: ha..ha..ha...verrrrry funny.
Me: I thought so.

The Coffee Drinker Who Doesn't Like Coffee

We stood on either side of the condiment bar at Starbucks, doctoring up our cups of coffee. "Jenn, would you pass me some sugar?" I looked at my side of the bar and noticed there wasn't any of the Sugar in the Raw packets, but then saw them on top. I pointed to the canister that was closer to him, "It's right here." "No. Not that kind of sugar, the normal kind." I look down at the cubbies again and see three packets of "normal" white sugar. I dig one out and hand it to him. Jon just stares at me. "That's it? Can I have another one please?" "How much sugar do you need?" He had already put one of the "Raw" sugars into his coffee. "I need a lot, okay!?" I hand him one more sugar. His head tilts, an exaggerated sigh escapes, and his hand is still held out in front of me. I pass him the last sugar packet. "That is going to be so sweet!" "It has to be really sweet for me to drink it. I don't really like coffee." "What!?!?" I'm completely shocked and perplexed, we go to coffee fairly often, and I'm just learning this about him. "I like that it is hot." "Why don't you drink tea then?" "It leaves a funny taste in my mouth?" "How about hot cocoa, then?" His face scrunches up, "That would just be weird!"  I didn't even attempt to understand that last statement. There is no accounting for or understanding Jon and his drinking preferences.

As we were walking to Starbucks we passed a MAX stop that had an alert posted: "Due to "Occupy Portland" some services may be interrupted or take longer than normal." I mentioned it to Jon, wondering if he knew what "Occupy Portland" was. I had heard it mentioned on the news, but didn't have any details. He hadn't even heard of it. This afternoon we received an email from Office Operations warning us about "Occupy Portland" - a protest and march event planned for Thursday.  Jon and I started chatting via Communicator.
Jon: We should join them!
Jenn: OH! That is BRILLIANT! Let's do it!
Jon: We can just yell catchphrases like... Yes we can!
Up with hope, down with dope!
umm, what are some other ones?
Dude, you're getting a Dell! That'd be a fun one to yell.
Jenn: hahahaha!! Hell no! We won't go! - that's a classic
Jon: hmmm, I don't know if that'll work when the mob will be marching somewhere...but it would be funny to chant that while you're walking away from a location
Jenn: Okay, maybe not.
Jon: I can't believe it's not butter!
Jenn: That would be HILARIOUS!!!!!
*At this point I was lost in hysterics made worse by trying not to laugh too loud, which just made me start crying with loud staccato bursts of laughter.
Jenn: I have a whole Will Ferrel (in Old School) scene going on in my head with that last one.
Jon: hahahah, we're going streaking through the park...bring your green hat.
*After this I totally lost composure. Even writing it now I am snickering at the thought of Will Ferrel running through Portland, through the protesting crowd with just a green hat, yelling "I can't believe it's not butter!"

This morning I had to park on the street as the office parking was full. In response we had this conversation first thing this morning:
Jon: I was just talking to SAA about how she rides her bike to work now...maybe you should start doing that! Then you wouldn't have to worry about parking!
Jenn: I would have to buy a bike.
A helmet.
A bell.
That's too much investment.
Jon: Ha, it's funny that those are your first concerns...I would think living so far away would be on of the first!

And one last bonus courtesy of Jon. He shared this link with me today. I was frightened and intrigued all at the same time. We decided I should get a pet hyena to keep me safe in Honduras.
http://www.pieterhugo.com/the-hyena-other-men/

More Communicator Entertainment

Jennifer Streger [9:27 AM]:
why are you in a meeting??
Jon Tasker [9:27 AM]:
cuz I'm a very and important person
Jennifer Streger [9:27 AM]:
and?
Jennifer Streger [9:27 AM]:
you are very a person?
Jon Tasker [9:27 AM]:
what? that's the reason
Jon Tasker [9:28 AM]:
oh, yes
Jennifer Streger [9:28 AM]:
cool. you are special.
Jon Tasker [9:28 AM]:
my mind moves so fast that it doesn't NEED the words that other people need.
Jon Tasker [9:28 AM]:
ummm, cuz I set a reminder and forgot to uncheck the show as busy thing.
Jennifer Streger [9:28 AM]:
if it moves so fast, I bet you know what I'm gonna write next
Jon Tasker [9:28 AM]:
you can just talk in fragments and I'll understand
Jennifer Streger [9:29 AM]:
crashing... problems... Friday...
Jennifer Streger [9:29 AM]:
comprende?
Jon Tasker [9:29 AM]:
ha, yeah, you didn't even have to say that much, i could tell from you sighs so early on.
Jennifer Streger [9:30 AM]:
oh, you are good. very person good!
Jon Tasker [9:30 AM]:
I AM a very person aren't I?!
Jennifer Streger [9:30 AM]:
so when?
Jon Tasker [9:31 AM]:
mmm...6
Jennifer Streger [9:31 AM]:
bueno!
Jennifer Streger [9:37 AM]:
listo ahora??
Jon Tasker [9:37 AM]:
si
Jennifer Streger [9:37 AM]:
vamanos!

[We then left and went to Starbucks.]

Battle of the Egos

Jon and I recently had to move cubicles. We now sit about 50 feet from where we used to (okay, I'm making that up - I have no idea how far it is really, but it's not too far), but now we don't have the special set-up that we requested. We have a full wall between us and sit 'stacked' instead of facing one another. Even though Jon is only 8 feet away, it feels a world apart. I miss him. Kind of pathetic, I know. We still talk, but mostly through Communicator. Like today...


Jennifer Streger [1:13 PM]:
ACK!! Thwarted once again!!! The miles listed were for ONE WAY not round trip! AHHH!!!! I actually need 10k more miles to make it work. This sucks.
Jon Tasker [1:13 PM]:
uhoh, of course, and WHY can you im me, and I JUST tried to IM you like 60 seconds ago and it wouldn't let me?!
Jennifer Streger [1:13 PM]:
because you are ridiculous
Jon Tasker [1:13 PM]:
ssssooo, no Honduras then?
Jennifer Streger [1:14 PM]:
Oh, no. I'm going.
Jennifer Streger [1:14 PM]:
somehow.
Jon Tasker [1:14 PM]:
or you might have to actually work like 2 weeks in between trips as opposed to just one?
Jennifer Streger [1:14 PM]:
no WAY!!
Jon Tasker [1:14 PM]:
1 week work, 2 weeks vacation...I think you get different PTO than I do.
Jennifer Streger [1:15 PM]:
thats because I have more seniority
Jon Tasker [1:15 PM]:
Than who?! I'm the Content Support Wizard
Jon Tasker [1:15 PM]:
That's my new title
Jennifer Streger [1:15 PM]:
BUT I'm the queen
Jon Tasker [1:15 PM]:
hmmm, normally the queen HAS a wizard huh...who's over the queen??
Jennifer Streger [1:15 PM]:
the wizard always works for the monarchy
Jennifer Streger [1:15 PM]:
only God is over the queen
Jon Tasker [1:16 PM]:
hmmm, so CSG is my new title?
Jennifer Streger [1:16 PM]:
I'm thinking... NO!

and then our conversation turned back to business and the discussion of how to classify a specific DOR. I'll save you from the boring part and not include that exchange.

A day in the life...

Living in cubicle land has it's disadvantages -or advantages, depending on how you see them. One is the ability to hear one side of a conversation. Today, lots of people were having phone calls that were just inappropriate to have in "the open." There was one fella from the other side of the building who decided to not bother his co-workers with his phone call by come to the other side of the building. Wasn't that considerate? Jon and I got to listen to this guy argue and apologize profusely to whoever was on the other end of the phone. It was really entertaining and gave us lots of fodder to joke around with. But Jon always has the best lines. Read this:

Jon Tasker [2:43 PM]:
i wonder if people like that ever regret moving down here now?! I've heard more cell phone arguments that I ever heard before at the other place...now that we have no doors.
Jennifer Streger [2:44 PM]:
If only he knew how much entertainment value he was providing
Jon Tasker [2:45 PM]:
ha, maybe we should bring that up somehow...that one of the positives of moving to this crack infested, fake pink noise, sweat shop layout is that we get to hear our executive leaders argue on their cell phones like 4 year olds.
Jennifer Streger [2:46 PM]:
you kill me

Am NOT!!

I am attending my 20 year high school reunion this weekend; one of two this summer. Lucky me! I went to two high schools so I get double the delight. I actually haven’t decided if I’ll attend Lake Oswego’s reunion in August even though I spent most of my school years with them. Oddly, the school that I spent one year at, Westside, has more pull, and that is the reunion happening tomorrow. Those who I regretted losing contact with from LO, I have been reunited with through the wonder of Facebook. 

Do the math: 20 years since high school + the average age of a high school graduate (although I was not typical and was young for my grade) = 37 years. Yes, I am in my late 30’s and in a couple months that last number will bump up by one when my birthday rolls around. That is the age of someone who is mature, responsible, has their life together and knows the path they are on… an adult; words that do not describe me, yet that is my age. Among my former classmates at Westside is the current principal of the school, of the LO classmates one is a grandmother – a GRANDMOTHER!! I’m still hoping that I might start a family and someone I grew up with has a grandchild? That is more than my mind can handle. Yet, I claim a pair of brothers at age 21 & 22 as my boys. Then there are the 20 other boys of Micah that I feel like I share some partial parental responsibility for and am eagerly trying to figure out a way to do more and take on more of a share. But they aren't really my children and I am attending this reunion alone - as the single, never married, childless person that I am. The only one in my class, as far as I know. It feels slightly awkward. My method of coping - a manicure and pedicure after work. If nothing else it will make my purple toenails less horrifying. Looking down and seeing bring happy pink makes me feel good.

I suppose that I am responsible at work – I completed my annual professional goal today. A year of test building efforts are done, new tests ready to be taken by students across the nation – and the world. Today I answered a question from one of our partners in Chile. I tried to advocate that they needed a personal response and that the company should send me down for a week. But I spent this week without my partner in crime. And by the end of the week I was fried and a little annoyed that Jon has been gone for the last seven work days. In response I left him a friendly message to come back to; now is that a sign of consideration and maturity or what?

There are several sayings about age being relative, my favorite is "Act your shoe size." You can call me old, that's fine, I'll just respond with "Am NOT!"

Saturday... and the League of Justice

I guess a theme is developing around days of the week. Saturday I went out to lunch with my mom. For two hours I talked almost non-stop. Those of you who know me well are probably questioning that comment and think I'm making it up. I know, it is rare, but every once in a blue moon I talk a blue streak. As I said 'good-bye' I apologized for monopolizing the conversation and commented, "Saying everything out loud, my life sounds kind of like a soap opera." My mother too quickly agreed. Gee! Thanks, mom! "I can't believe I talked the whole time! Can you tell Jon is gone?"
Yes, Jon is gone. I took him and his wife, Missy, to the airport at the unreasonable hour of 5:30am on Thursday. They'll be back, but not until next weekend. I'm facing an entire week on my own at work. It makes me realize how much I depend on Jon, not only for work but for a social outlet too. Actually, I had to face this a month ago. He took a half week off for two weeks in a row, and when he was in the office, I was home sick. We went for two weeks without seeing each other. The first Monday we were both back in the office we talked like a couple magpies for an hour before getting to any work. Jon made the comment over Communicator a little later about how long it had been since we'd seen each other. I typed back: "I know! I've missed you!" His head reared back and brow furrowed in confusion as he gave me a quizzical look. "It's not the same around here without you." Jon, Jon, Jon... our relationship is beyond definition. Missy told me Thursday that I am his "office wife." I am not comfortable with that. I always wanted a twin brother like my mom. If I could choose, I'd choose Jon to be my twin. Which is why I call Jon my Wonder Twin. They may not be the coolest superheros in the halls of the Justice League, but it suits Jon and I. We work better together - Wonder Twins powers activate!

Jon brings the entertainment

It was a lovely sunny day in Stumptown. The bright blue skies beckoned, my skin was craving to feel the sun and it's warmth. As lunch time rolled around I informed Jon that I was going for a long walk and hitting Starbucks on the way back. Would he like to join me or bring back a drink for him? He opted to come along for a stroll. We joined the throngs of other people along the waterfront marveling at the sun. I asked if he watched "The Voice" last night; we had both caught the last portion of it. I asked if he knew any of the judges - Christina Aguilera I knew, but not any of the guys. A barrage of questions came from Jon. "What? You don't know Adam?" "No." " Maroon 5. You've heard of them" "No." "What? You've never heard of Maroon 5? They're big. And you know Cee Lo." "I do?" "YES! Remember I sent you that video link awhile ago with the song that had all the swearing." "Oh, yeah! That's why the song sounded familiar." Jon and I discussed what a funny shape Cee Lo is - it's like his arms are too short for his body. Jon told me about his Grammy performance, for which he dressed up like a peacock which made Blake Shelton's comment last night make sense. And how he got started as part of Gnarles Barkley - Jon knows quite a bit about the guy.

Jon and I continued walking and talking, there is rarely a lack of words and topics. We did hit a Starbucks on our way back to the office for an afternoon caffeine pick-me-up. Once back in the office Jon took it upon himself to familiarize me with Cee Lo.  He was certain that I should know him. Jon started IMing me.

Jon: this song?  Remember it or no?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd2B6SjMh_w
As I start to listen, I shake my head no.
Jon: not even THAT one?!
But then the refrain kicked in and I did start to recognize it. 
Jon: did you like his other song [Forget you]?  if he didn't swear and offend your little old lady ears?
When I read that last line I let out a loud burst of laughter that rang out across the whole office floor and I broke down into a hysterical fit of laughter until I was collapsed over the side of my chair crying. Where does he come up with this stuff?  But thanks to Jon I have had "Forget You"  - the clean version from the Grammy's (wouldn't want to offend my little old lady ears) - stuck in my head all afternoon. 

In retaliation I threw a little Laker smack his way. Jon, being a fairly recent So.Cal. transplant to Rip City has not been able to switch his team allegiance to the Trail Blazer and continues to support the Lakers, which is nearly a crime in my opinion. We've been talking smack about each other's teams for months now. I can count on always hearing the retort - "Well, you're originally from LA too!" Yeah, great come back dude! I'll text Jon after the Lakers lose a game, but he never responds, which slightly diminishes my enjoyment of gloating, but not so much as to make me stop. A couple weeks ago we started using our CSA weekly reporting as another platform to get a dig or two in; and using team colors to distinguish between our data. But here I have a distinct advantage as he fills it in first and then send it to me, and I forward it on to our manager, copying him. After I sent the email today I waited anxiously for him to open it. I was not disappointed, I knew exactly when he read it because he started really laughing. It's not often I get him laughing hard.
Today's email included this:

(For those who don't know - the guy is Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavricks who beat the Blazers in the first round of the playoffs, and are now trouncing the Lakers - much to my delight.)

New Insights

It has been a quiet week at work with Jon out all week. I've become very accustomed to his presence and it has been missed. But I do have a good Jon story that I have been saving up, so in honor of his birthday last week, here it is:

Jon and I started ambling towards the elevators, embarking on our daily trek across the street to Starbucks. As we pass Joan's office Jon glances in at her office and exclaims, "Oh, she's got Christmas lights up! I freakin' love it! We have them up in our room too." I was startled at such a strong declaration, but quickly started laughing. A love of Christmas twinkle lights doesn't exactly jive with the dyed black hair, tattooed hard rocker persona of Jon; although I know him to be a complete goof-ball. What did make perfect sense was that he was just now noticing the lights Joan had strung up in her office for Halloween - the lights were, after all, purple and orange. Yes, Jon is Mr. Observant. It is several days after Halloween and he is just now noticing. When prodded he confessed that he and Melissa strung up white twinkle lights around the bedroom over the weekend. But his favorite type are the bubble candle lights. He continually surprises me.

And now, a few other random work related stories for your enjoyment at my expense.

I went to lunch with some co-workers the other week. As we drove back to the office Bryan and Steve were talking about a home that was for sale. This quickly deteriorated into why Lake Oswego is so awful and why no one in the car would want to buy a house here. To which someone made the smart remark:
"Excuse me your entitlement is showing!"

I started to feel a little picked on, after all, wasn't I a product of Lake Oswego? I felt compelled to stand-up for my hometown. To which Kristi tried to comfort me with this:
"I recognize that you grew-up in Lake Oswego, but I will not acknowledge it. You do not fit the LO stereotype; you're nice and sweet and don't look down on everyone."

Really Lake Oswego isn't that bad, is it? Sure the school song sounds a little superior -"...stands a school in Lake Oswego ranked among the best. Lake High standards will not fail..." Pshaw! We are sooo not elitist! We're just the best. A fact is a fact.

Sharing a kitchen with everyone on the floor can be rather annoying. Especially when a portion of your coworkers are young wet-behind-the-ear "men." These boy-men don't understand the logic of rinsing dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. That is if the dishes make it that far. And they certainly do not have a clue as to the science of how to load a dishwasher. I try to squelch my OCD tendencies and only take care of my own paraphernalia. But some days, it can't be helped, I have to do the dishes and rearrange the dishwasher to suit my methodology. On one such afternoon my co-worker Adam came in and thanked me and mentioned that it also bugs him. I teasingly said, "These young guys haven't figured out that their mother doesn't work here!" After a dramatic pause, a deep inhale, slowly, as if speaking a deep wisdom, Adam said "I think their mother does work here. Think on that!" Oh, dear!

One of the projects that I have been working on this fall reached a major milestone so the project manager decided we should celebrate. The team was very kind to postpone the celebration until after my trip to Honduras. We all left work early and went to this place called "Players" which is part bar, part games. I had to wander around a bit before I found the group upstairs playing pool, already working on their first drink. I knew that Wei, a co-worker, had left the office at the same time as me, but she was no where to be found. About five minutes after I joined the group, Wei did as well. She had gotten lost and had trouble finding the group too, but she had some help, "I heard your laugh and followed it to find the team."

Conversion Conversations

Me: "Should I send you the training plan for a 10k this fall? What about "How to improve your marathon training?""

Jon: "No, way! Stop trying to convert me! You can talk about religion all you want, but stop trying to make me work out!"

A Typical Joniffer Conversation

Jon: I don’t like the sound my new belt makes when I sit down.
Jenn: You got a new belt!?!?
Like three weeks ago! I’ve been waiting for you to notice.
I’ve been gone, then you were gone. Plus, I didn’t think you would ever replace that other belt. Did it finally disintegrate?
Pf… that belt is instructable! No, I just couldn’t find one I liked. Or, indestructible.
Ha! Ha! Belt, you will go through the keeper and stop at this hole, and tighten around my wait.
Yes, I instruct my belt every morning. “Belt, today you will hold up my pants.”
Ugh! You’re wearing a brown belt with shirt that has black?! What a faux pas!
Is that not okay?
You shouldn’t mix the color of your accessories. Although I’m wearing a brown belt and black shoes. But I intended to wear brown shoes but changed my mind once I was downstairs and didn’t want to go back up to change my belt since I was already late. I figured my sweater would cover the belt anyhow, so it wouldn’t show.
How do you know this? Does everyone know this rule? Was it something you were taught or just know?
Ah.... yeah, I guess it was taught to me.

Friday Funnies

It has been awhile since I've posted any of my office interactions with Jon. Since he made me laugh to the point of nearly squirting tea out my nose I thought I'd share.

I was half listening to Jon as he talked about this website he had found last night of pictures of an exotic gun collection of a busted drug dealer. Or at least that is what I thought I heard, I wasn't really paying attention. He mentioned something about the odd pets these type of people have, but couldn't think of one. I offered the suggestion of "komodo dragon." "Yeah, like that! Weird animals." To which I off-handedly said, "Did I tell you that I almost ran over a peacock the other day?"
Stunned silence. I took a slurp of my ice tea.
Slowly, an awe filled response, "That may be the most awesome sentence I've ever heard." It was at this point that my mouthful of tea almost came out my nose.
Somehow I managed to swallow it down and answer the ensuing questions, it was a couple weeks ago, on a side street in Lake Oswego, yes - I stopped and stared it down until it moved to see if it was real, and no - I didn't question if I was crazy and seeing things, didn't occur to me. Oh, it was too funny.

A little later we were walking to Starbucks and a tabby cat went shooting across the street with amazing speed. Jon exclaimed, "Geez! It's like wild animal kingdom out here!"

As I walked back to my seat at Starbucks with drink in hand I noticed Jon was staring at my right forearm. "What did you do this time?" he asked. "You're just now noticing it? I've had this bruise all week." With an exasperated sigh, "You know how unobservant I am." Of course I told him a prolonged detailed story of how the vacuum cleaner attacked me. To which he just shook his head.

Missy, Jon's wife, cut his hair the other day and he has been fussing over it constantly ever since. "As soon as I cut my hair, I wish it were long." She did a really great job, but he can't figure out what to do with his bangs. We both have that issue. I offered him one of my little clips that I keep in my desk. "While I do wear barrettes and make it look good, I'm not going to do that here."

As we were waiting for the elevator to head out for the day, "You know how bad my memory is and how unobservant I am; each day for me is brand new. I get to do goal structures today? What's that? Sounds like fun!" Ha! Ha! Yeah, you keep thinking that, Jon.

Bonus funny story from Thursday:
I walked back into our office with my lunch that I had just heated up. Jon asked, "Why do you always do that?" "Do what?" "You always heat up your lunch right before a meeting." "But I'm hungry." "But we have a meeting in 15 minutes." "What? I thought we had more time." "I always feel bad for you. You heat up your lunch and eat two bites before you run off to a meeting and it just sits here getting cold. I wonder if I should cover it... but I don't. You need someone to take care of you." "I know, I do." Jon was a little surprised at how quickly I acquiesced. "Isn't that in your job description? I think that is the whole reason you are here, (in a silly voice) 'Take care of scatterbrained Jenn.' "

Daylight savings is an extortionist

It has been a hard week, whether I can really attribute it to the time change I don't know. But I have been rather snarky this week, hitting Jon with every snide remark and low blow that came to mind. He provides plenty of fodder, usually I'm better at holding my tongue - not this week.

Jon: You have been really grumpy since you can't eat anything.
Jenn: It's the lack of sleep
Jon: You don't have to agree so quickly!

Jon: I gotta tell you, my self-esteem is down here this week (placing his hand around middle of his shin). And if we had a therapist on staff we would be in their office right now. I would be crying and you would be in soooo much trouble!

We had three interviews for a new admin this week. As we were prepping for the interviews, looking over the standard questions, Jon decided on creating his own that he thought would be the most important:
-How do you work with people you don't like, such as Jennifer Streger?

I think we are heading down a slippery slope of sarcasm.

Oh, Jo(h)nny Boy...

Jon, my work partner. Yes, that's him to the left. The first part of "Joniffer." He keeps me entertained, hopefully he can entertain you as well. Here's a sampling of our life from the past few weeks.

[Previously, I've chided Jon to recycle his soda cans. One day I gave him 'a look' as he got up and was about to throw away a can or juice bottle into the garbage.]
Grabbing his can, "I'm not leaving my DNA around for you! I don't trust you."
"I'm gonna take your DNA and clone you to make my own Jon army. Maybe you'll get your work done that way."

We were talking about movies one afternoon. Jon was talking about Inglorious Bastards, a movie that he owns, and that I should watch it. I quietly said, "Maybe someone should let me borrow it, if they really want me to see it." There was no answer from Jon, he kept staring at his computer. After a minute or two I couldn't help but ask, "Did you hear me?" "Yes, I made a mental note." "Oh, okay, it's just that you didn't respond." "Geez! I'm going to start getting in trouble like I do at home. (Doing one of his voices to mimic Melissa) "Are you listening to me?"" He has yet to loan me the movie, must not have been a very good mental note.

I made the comment to Michele about Jon, "He's a total smart alec." To which he very quickly responded with a little snippityness in his voice, "I think you're just projecting!"

me: "Jon, is AK Alaska or Arkansas?"
Jon: "I'm so manly that when I her AK, I think AK-47!"

Jon decided to play Houdini for a good part of today. He just disappeared for chunks of time. One of those chunks was just before 10 am, our coffee run time of the day. It wasn't really a mystery where he was, I could hear him and Sarah G. talking in her office. We haven't been going as regularly since I've changed my diet to exclude all foods I'm allergic to, which rules out everything but black coffee or tea. Limited options. But today I was totally jonesing for coffee and decided I'd cheat a little (which means a little half & half in my drip coffee). I waited for Jon, and waited, then waited some more. I thought about just going on my own (oh, the horror!) I thought about IMing Sarah to prompt them to wrap it up, it's not like their conversation was work related - and I needed my coffee. Instead I kept working until he came back to our office. As he walked through the door, Jon said "Do you want to go to Starbucks today?" "Um, YEeeAH! I've been waiting for you. I almost went without you." "Pffa! You wouldn't remember how to get there without me!"

Some fun Jon quotes:
"Why don't you complain like I do? You should try it, it's fun!"
"I've decided my peak time is Tuesday, a lot gets done on that day."
"I wasn't even potty trained by then!" ("then" being age 11)

Soup nipper

I only have one Joniffer story to add today, but I have another story involving a familiar co-worker for your enjoyment too.

As you would expect from co-dependent co-workers, we spent the majority of Friday together. This included "secondsies" - our 10-ish am coffee run. And when I decided to take a short walk around lunch time to drop off my dry cleaning, Jon came with me. A little later when I decided to eat lunch in the lunchroom, getting away from my desk for awhile, Jon did likewise, even though he had already used all of his lunch break going on our walk. While we sat at the table chatting, our tummies full, our manager walked in. My first reaction was slight panic. Was she wondering why we were just sitting in the lunchroom? Especially at 2:30 pm? Would she notice our lunch paraphenalia and know we were legitimately away from our desks? She then started laughing and mentioned, "You two make me laugh! Don't you ever get tired of each other?" We simultaneously answered, "No." with a shrug of our shoulders. Jon's answer may have been more of an "eh" but that means "no," right?

As for my other story, it involves a character mentioned previously who likes to steal my coffee mug, let's just call her "Old Lady Lips" or Ollie for short, to protect her identity.

For the greater part of January the company sponsored a food drive to benefit the Oregon Food Bank. There was good friendly competition between floors; sadly the third floor lost the Golden Plate award this year. The food donation spot was on a table in the lunchroom. One day a case of soup showed up on the table. I noticed it only because I had just bought one can of the same soup at the market and it triggered an idea to bring it in for lunch the next day. The food sat in the lunchroom for many weeks, even after the food drive was over. Some brazen co-worker about two weeks ago must have forgotten lunch and decided to appropriate the case of soup for their lunch. At that time the case went from being part of the donations for the Food Bank to sitting open on the counter next to the microwave. I was stunned that someone was so bold as to take food from the donation pile.

Now fast-forward a few weeks to yesterday. I walked into the lunch room to heat up my stew (yes, more stew.) and was shortly joined by Ollie. While I spooned my barley turkey stew into a bowl, Ollie took a can of soup out the box and started to open it up! I was gobsmacked! She was the one who had taken the soup from the needy? As I tried to process what I was witnessing, she said, "Do you know who brought in this soup? It's really good." WHAT!? I abruptly tell her, "It was originally part of the donations for the Food Bank." Ollie may have picked up on the disapproval in my voice as she attempted to come up with an excuse, "Oh, it must have come in too late to be picked up." Having to duke it out with her for my mug two days before had not left me in a generous mood. "Actually the food was only picked up this week and the soup has been on the counter for a few weeks, and was on the donation table for several weeks before that." She remained quiet for almost a minute. Instead of offering yet another excuse, she said "It's good soup. I wonder where you can find a box like that." I informed her it was from Costco. "Really??" she responded in that annoying high pitched nasal voice of hers. I simply made a "um-hum" sound instead of giving voice to the thoughts in my head - 'no, not really. I'm lying about where you can find soup in some plan to trick you to make a visit to Costco to find soup only to come up empty. Why would you question and doubt me over something so trivial?'

While I would be mortified and ashamed to be caught eating the soup, Ollie didn't even seem flustered. She didn't seem bothered by the fact the soup was intended for the needy and poor, or that the food was counted as part of the donation of the third floor to the Food Bank, and she was eating it. Nor did she seem to recognize the boundaries she had crossed, she was blissfully ignorant of the rules of community office life. I don't know why this surprised me after the incident earlier this week. And I don't know why I guffawed when she put her bowl of soup in the microwave before me, even though I had been there first. I couldn't handle being in the lunchroom with her anymore. I left my bowl on the counter under the microwave and went back to my desk to wait it out. I know it's petty on my part, but I had had my fill of insipidity for the day.

Coffee Runs and Coffee Mugs

Monday
Sitting at Starbucks, reluctant to get up and go back to the office, Jon and I just sat, holding our drinks, looking at each other. With brow furrowed, Jon said, "I should be honest with you," With concern rising, I also raised an eyebrow. He went on to say, "I feel like I'm fighting something, like I might be getting sick. So you might want to keep your distance." "I have some EmergenC in my lunch bag." "Aren't you worried?" "About what?" "Getting sick! We essentially live together." 9 hours a day in a 10' x 8' room, guess we sorta do live together; maybe I should be worried about his germs.

Wednesday
Returning to our office after the team meeting I inform Jon, "I'm still jonesing for my 2nd coffee." Swiveling around in my chair I looked out the transom window that leads into Sarah's office which has real outside windows, and checked if the sun was shining yet; it was. "Actually I just want to get outside."
"No! Not allowed!"
"What!? Not allowed?"
"No, you're never allowed to go outside the building during the work day."
a moment later
Jon: "Do you really want to go to Starbucks?"
Jenn: "Yeah, but you don't have to come with me."
Jon: "No, I want to come."
Jenn: "How have I become so co-dependent? I live on my own, take care of myself, I'm independent, yet in the last two months I've become co-dependent on my co-worker!"
Jon: "Whaaat?" (Jon's favorite word)
Jenn: "I can't go to Starbucks by myself, I can't eat lunch by myself - I've become co-dependent!"
Thankfully, Jon thought it was funny - I think, I hope - he laughed. We might as well be attached at the hip, conjoined co-workers, my brother from a different mother.

As we walked over to Starbucks I whined about how a particular co-worker keeps taking my mug. Our office has a lunchroom on each floor and there is one cabinet for personal mugs, which in theory are not public domain. Apparently, this one gal has decided that my mug should be hers. Jon tried to help me come up with ways to deter her from taking my mug. His idea was to lace the edge of it with a disease such as herpes, gonorrhea, or syphilis. Hm. A little drastic. As we waited for our drinks, Jon scrunched up his face and asked, "Can you really drink from that mug again? She's had her lips on it! It's had old lady lips on it! Eww!!"

Later as we sat in our office I made some comment which prompted him to wonder aloud if it was going to get physical between me and this co-worker. I told Jon, "I can take her." To which Jon said matter-of-factly, " Well, I know that." This is the second reference he has made this week to me physically fighting. What does he think of me?

Life with Jon, always amusing.

Conjoined Coworkers

Tuesday - 8 am-ish
Jon: Sooooo... did you bring a lunch today?
Jenn: Yeah (said disappointingly)
Jon: You don't sound very excited about it.
Jenn: No. It's stew. I'm not in the mood for stew. Plus I forgot to bring the cheese and sour cream. It isn't nearly as good without the condiments. (Quick scan under Jon's desk where he normally stashes his lunch) Did you not bring a lunch?
Jon: No.
Jenn: oh! We should go out for lunch!
Jon: But you have stew.
Jenn: It'll keep in the fridge until tomorrow.
Jon:Whatever.

11:45 am
Jenn: I'm hungry, what are we going to do for lunch?
Jon: I don't know, you've got stew.
Jenn: But I don't want my stew. What are you doing for lunch?
Jon: I don't know. If you don't eat your stew what are you going to eat?
Jenn: I don't know, what are you going to eat?

this goes on, back and forth, for quite some time.

12:30 pm
Jenn: You've never been to Burgerville?!?
Jon: No. Is it good?
Jenn: It's very tasty. It's the only fast food that the author of Fast Food Nation will eat.
Jon: Why?
Jenn: They buy local produce, they can trace the meat back to the ranch or farm.
Jon: That's such an Oregon thing.
Jenn: So should we go?
Jon: Are you sure you don't want your stew?
Jenn: (exasperated) no.
Jon: I think we should go to Burgerville!
Jenn: Okay! Let's go!

Actually left around 1 pm, we had to debate a bit more.

Wednesday 12:30 pm-ish
Jenn: What!? No lunch again? What happened to last night's leftovers?
Jon: There weren't any.
Jenn: Do you want some stew?
Jon: Noooo... I don't want to take your stew!
Jenn: Really, do you want some stew? There's more than enough for two. Wow! That rhymed!
Jon: It sounds like Dr. Suess!
Jenn: I like Dr. Suess!
Jon: You should write a book and start with that! Yeah! Yeah!
Jenn: The Stew for Two book! But seriously, do you want some stew?
Jon: What kind of stew is it?
Jenn: Turkey barley. I remembered the condiments today, so it'll be good. I'll go heat some up while you think about it.

As I start serving up a bowl for me, still not sure what Jon is going to do, he saunters in and looks at the bowl.

Jon: It looks good. I don't want that much, that's fine.
Jenn: This is my bowl! You can serve yourself.
Jon: (grabbing a bowl from the cabinet) Eww! I'm going to get salmonella. Is it really clean?

Joan: So what's the deal? You're bringing lunch for each other now?
Jenn: He didn't have a lunch today, I had plenty, so I'm sharing my extra.
Joan: He's your work husband!
Jenn: Don't let him hear that!
Joan: I have my car husband, we commute together.

(at the same time)
Adam: So you two are the 1pm lunch crowd, huh?
Jon: Yeah...
Adam: Do you just like to eat later?
Jon: Well, we do Starbucks at 10, you see.
Adam: Oh, got it!

Jon + Jennifer = Joniffer

For as much as I fought for Jon and I to have separate offices, I am really glad we are together. Now that we've rearranged the desks so that we aren't crammed into the room like sardines it's actually a very happy situation. Keeping us together has a direct negative impact on our productivity, thus the reason I wanted my own space. But being together, and the amusement it provides is about the only thing keeping me sane at the office these days. I'm getting very accustomed to spending nine hours a day with this dude which is evident by my slip while calling roll for our team meeting on Wednesday. Since the list of attendees goes alphabetically and Jennifer and Jon are both "J" names, guess which two names are in order. Yup, ours. Kristi has taken to calling us "Joniffer" and Wednesday so did I. I meant to say that Jon and Jennifer are online (the meeting was taking place over the phone) but instead, what came out was - "Joniffer is here." I started laughing, I could hear Kristi snickering, and despite my efforts I couldn't correct myself. I just moved on to the next name.

Spending as much time together as we do it's a good thing we get along. Thankfully we get along very well, too well. We sit and chat in the morning sharing our stories of what we did the night before. It's the reverse of a husband coming home and telling his wife about his day. I joke that he is my "occupational partner" - a phrase stolen from Mark & Dave on KEX. Jon usually has good stories to share about his evenings with his wife, I'm eager to meet her after hearing so much about her. I say we get along too well because if something good happened the night before it can be a good chunk of time before we actually get around to working. We have to get caught up and check-in with each other first. It's really amusing.

Sometimes we chat as we go through our email, our backs to one another. But yesterday I had turned around and was facing him. Something caught my eye over Jon's right shoulder. At first I thought it was a feather from his coat or a small hairball from one of his five dogs floating through the air. I asked him what it was and as he looked to see what I was talking about he suddenly jumped up and backed away from his desk. "It's a spider! Ahhh! A spider! I HATE spiders!!" I was in hysterics. I'm used to my mother reacting to spiders but even she doesn't freak out as much as Jon did, screeching like a little girl. Giggling I grabbed a tissue and scooped up the spider and squished it all up into a ball. Jon wasn't sure whether tossing it into the trash was sufficient, he was concerned the rest of the morning that it was going to crawl out. So amusing.

After we had calmed down from the spider incident we started to discuss an article that one of our teammates had sent out about the difference between cat people and dog people. (Cat people tend to be more reserved, and more open; dog people are more extroverted - nothing new) I was curious to get Jon's take since he and Melissa have 4 furry canines of varying breeds. He keeps telling me that I need to get a dog. And I agree. I would really enjoy having a dog. But I won't at this stage in my life, it's not fair to the dog, leaving it alone for the vast majority of the day. Even though I would label myself as a "dog person" Jon decided that unless I actually have a pet I can't claim to be either. If I'm neither a dog or cat person, that, according to Jon, makes me a serial killer - just like Dexter. He knows I hate Dexter.

Working with Jon, sharing an office, having an "occupational partner" has become a blessing. He keeps me laughing, which keeps me sane. Living alone, it's nice to share life with someone during the day. Having someone to share life with, it's interesting to discuss values, morals, beliefs and hear different views. Especially when it often breaks down into laughter. We are Joniffer.