05 March 2007

Three strikes and safe at home... for now.

Well, all my worry and anxiety about moving is over for the time being. The church in Seattle hired someone else. Azusa passed on my as well, their loss. And the job in D.C. ended up being a bland paper-pushing job so I passed on it, not worth moving to D.C. So the job hunt continues and seems never-ending. I have an interview with the Portland Rescue Mission this week. It has some potential but I have lots of questions about it as well. If that does not work out this is the plan I've devised: get a retail job at either Sur la Table, Home Depot, The Container Store, or Lowes (hopefully one of them will take me). A job that pays the bills. Get a schedule so that I have the same day off every week so that I can volunteer with Human Services with an end goal of being hired as a social worker. Also to get counseling. I went to a conference this weekend and something hit me like a thunderbolt. I have always used my job to define myself and give me purpose; I haven't been looking to God. If I were to be just a cashier at Lowe's for example, how would I then define myself? I have always struggled with low self-esteem, -confidence, -worth, etc. and I've tried to make up for it by doing something 'important.' What if I got some help to come up to a healthy level of self and took my identity from God, being his beloved daughter, what would life be like? It would be a radically different life for me, one that I think I need to move towards. With that in mind I almost hope that I don't get the job with the mission so that I can't fall back into the same old trap.

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