Patrick commands it!

I have been given the opportunity to work from home on a regular basis. I can choose a couple days a week, and I'm struggling. Do I really want two days, or is one enough? Oddly enough, I actually like being in the office. With co-workers like Patrick, the day goes by much more entertainingly.

Patrick [2:36 PM]:

Ok, well I will continue to work on this list. I will cc you on my response to the Test team. It will include the items that are retired that will need to be removed

Jennifer [2:37 PM]:

perfect. thank you.

Patrick [2:39 PM]:

Can you come down here

Patrick [2:39 PM]:

Ro and Jay want to yell at you

Patrick [2:39 PM]:

in a nice way

Patrick [2:39 PM]:

with love and candy

Jennifer [2:39 PM]:

what!? no way! if they want to yell at me they can come up.

Patrick [2:40 PM]:

they want to talk to you about something and they want me to chime in about stuff

Patrick [2:40 PM]:

so they would like you come down

Jennifer [2:40 PM]:

what's the magic word?

Patrick [2:40 PM]:

You are great?

Patrick [2:40 PM]:

You are the best?

Patrick [2:40 PM]:

Flattery will get me everywhere?

Jennifer [2:40 PM]:

(it starts with a "P")

Patrick [2:40 PM]:

Patrick!

Patrick [2:40 PM]:

Patrick commands it!

Patrick [2:41 PM]:

Is that what you were looking for?

Jennifer [2:41 PM]:

so close, and yet so very far away

Patrick [2:41 PM]:

Please

Jennifer [2:41 PM]:

Oh, okay! Just one lil' moment.

Patrick [2:41 PM]:

ok, thank you

Getting Right

It is May, April slipped by with a solitary post that only taunted you with the promise of more to come in the month. A broken promise. When the words wouldn't come, the sentences more fragmented than usual, the desire to write all but entirely absent - that is when I finally knew, I was heart sick. My soul in need of some serious TLC. My heart needing balm to heal.

On the outside I looked fine. I kept "keeping on" out of sheer necessity, projects at work didn't give me an option. If I allowed myself to open up and enter in to the mess, it meant I wouldn't be able to function. So I numbed myself. I buried myself in work. I obsessively read "The Hunger Games" trilogy. I watched TV and movies. I hit the gym with more frequency. I shopped. I ate. I drank (and not just copious amounts of coffee). Feeling and processing wasn't allowed, strictly verboten. Occasionally my heart wandered when the numbing started to wear off, but it only brought tears, incapacitating sorrow, unbridled anger. I didn't know - and still don't - how to delve into the muck while functioning in life. The only thing I knew to do was shut down and ignore my heart. It is awfully hard to write from the heart, about living a life of faith, learning how to live whole-heartedly, if you are silencing it.

But this can only go on for so long. I felt the fissures in my facade creeping, making their way to critical joints, the wall separating my heart from my head was about to crack. It made me nervous. Thankfully, it was also about this time that I finished my part in a major project at work. No one was waiting on me to finish something before they could start their work; I was no longer a roadblock for others. Enough time had passed since March's escapades that some vacation hours had accumulated in my time-off bank again. This meant - I could escape!! A couple weeks ago, I took an afternoon off from work and found the brackish balm that I so sorely needed. Pulling out of my driveway a few minutes after noon, I drove straight to Sleepy Monk Coffee in Cannon Beach. (It really is the best coffee and worth the drive just to pick up a bag of beans.) After stashing my bag of beans in the car, I walked across the street and found the sand and surf and started walking south. And kept walking south. Then went a little further. Finally, I had to stop as I didn't want to go for a swim to get around the bend to Hug Point Park. Most of the way I was alone, not another person in sight up or down the coastline; just me and God, walking and talking. Pouring my heart out, needing Him to show up and care for it, to rescue me, and remind me just who I am.

And God did show up.
As I pronounced myself wretched, sinful, rebellious, and unworthy of love, Jesus said, 'No. You are redeemed, forgiven, and not only worthy of love, but you are loved.'


Presenting the 'evidence' of my single, solitary, lonely aloneness as proof of my unloveableness. God refutes me, and reminds me that I am loved. Deeply. Beyond measure. And I am not alone, not ever, that I am part of a much larger family. A community that loves me, if I would allow them.


Ranting and whining about recent events of the past six months, questioning God's goodness, wanting to know why I am being punished. The Lord, with gentle loving kindness reproofs me, 'I am good. I am the giver of all good things. I lavish you with my goodness. Don't confuse punishment with living in a fallen world.'

I have never, ever found even one whole sand dollar on the beach. I brought home over 20!

Nearing the turn to get back to my car, just when I start to question am I totally crazy for believing God would talk to me, talk to my heart, had I made it all up? He sends one more reminder.


I am understanding the verse in Philippians 2:11 so much more that says "...continue to work out your salvation..."  It's all a process. We are all in process. My afternoon and evening at the beach did a world of good for me. I physically feel lighter, as though burdens were literally taken off my shoulders, words are starting to trickle back in to my mind and are being turned over in my heart, forming into phrases. I'm getting back to right, but it's a new right as God is moving, changing, renewing me. It's a process. I'm a process. I hope to get back to posting regularly soon, and share some of my process with you, but if it seems slow, please be patient and kind - I'm in process... just like you. 

Salty Sea

I want to run away.
Run to the edge of the world,
Where sea and sand meet.
To hear the pounding surf,
taste it's salty wisps.
While salty tears streak down my cheeks,
have it pound out the voices in my head:
*you are forgotten
*you aren't worth the bother
*you are unlovable
*you are too much
*you are totally alone

Sometimes God's voice is like a gentle whispering breeze;
other times like a thunderous roar.
I want to run away, to the place where sea and sand meet,
listen to the mighty thunder of the ocean tumble,
and hear within its tumult God speaking "Not true." over and over again until the voices in my head are pounded out.
Not True.
-You are my beloved
Not True.
-You are worth more than the most costly jewels.
Not True.
-I am always with you.
Not True.
-You are wonderfully created by me.
Not True.
-I moved heaven and earth for you.

I want to run away to the place where sea and sand meet, to cry salty tears until I melt into a pool, a pool that is swept up into the sea, becoming one.

Houdini Lessons

February obviously has been studying with Houdini. How else could it have pulled off such an amazing disappearing act? March is trying to follow suit and escape before I notice it is here by creating diversionary tactics. "Snow in March? Surely not! It must still be February." I have a hunch it is going to escape as well before I can catch it. But it isn't like I have been sitting idly by while two whole months have passed. Their ease in escaping was assisted by my frenzy of activity. April will not be so lucky, I already have blog plans for the month. In fact, I'll give you a sneak peek. Here are some working titles of upcoming posts:

• Holley Gerth's "Your're Already Amazing" review + giveaway
• Sensuality of the Single Christian gal
• God's Masterpiece Looks Like a Jackson Pollack Painting
• Choosing to be the Prodigal Daughter

Do I have your interest?  I promise to catch up to April and not let it escape, so come back over the next few weeks.

To prove that I wasn't being a sluggard, and had quite a bit of fun while the days zipped by, here is what I have been up to over the past few months.

The end of February brought The Justice Conference (which required a heap of prep work for the Micah booth) and a visitor from Honduras, the beloved Marvin Morazan.

Marvin was able to stay for a week and we had a ton of fun, including going up to Government Camp to play in the snow on Mt. Hood. It was the very first time Marvin was able to play in the snow. He had been wishing to make a snow angel for 12 years. And I was there and helped make his dream come true. It goes down as one of the best days EVER in my whole entire life!! And I am not exaggerating. 

The tail end of Marvin's visit overlapped (see! I wasn't lying about being busy!) with the 2nd ACT Journey retreat. After all the craziness of getting ready for the conference, attending the conference, entertaining and shuttling Marvin around, it was wonderful to find a spot of rest.

The Dream Giver's Inn is in the lovely Yamhill valley. This photo was taken from the (almost) six mile loop that I like to walk when I'm there. There is another picture from Sunday morning that I wanted to post, but it was taken with my big camera and I seem to have misplaced my card reader. Maybe by now you're believing me that I've been busy and not concerned enough to take the time to find it; which is a pity because I have some fantastic photos of my brother that I want from the same memory card for blackmail purposes. 

A few days after the retreat (3 days to be precise, because I wouldn't want to let any moss grow under me) I flew to Colorado with my mom to spend four days with my brother, his fiancée, and her family. We went with them to their wedding planning appointments, including a tasting at The Sanctuary, where they will be married, an amazing location, and best of all - cake tasting! There was also a bridal shower for Amy with a "Mad Men" / 50's housewife theme. It was so much fun, especially the apron fashion show. I really like my new sister! (And not that you would ever know it from this photo, but I had been using self-tanner on my legs in anticipation of having bare legs for the party. My legs really could have been whiter!)

Coming home from Colorado landed me straight into a crazy hot sticky mess at work as we try to figure out work-arounds for our old software systems to create new tests. Ugh! Since I had become so accustomed to not being home on the weekends, I spent the next Saturday at the Selah conference at George Fox, my ol' stomping grounds. Just in the nick of time, last Saturday I squeezed in a 5k race - the Sellwood Scamper - to keep on track with my goal of doing a race every month of the year. Considering the junk I was eating and the lack of sleep the week before, I'm somewhat impressed that I was able to run most of it and post a decent time. For April, I'm getting the race business out of the way immediately with the Race for the Roses on April 1st. 

Phew! I'm tired just remembering it all, no wonder the bags under my eyes have bags of their own! February and March also brought with it some very fun tickets. Mom and I went to the Blazer vs. Nugget game (our Christmas gift from brother), 'A Tribute to Benny Goodman' concert with the Oregon Symphony, and best of all "Wicked!" Oh, my good gravy, I LOVE this show! I have declared it my second most favoritest musical ever. It doesn't quite trump "Les Miserable" but it sure is close. There was also the hair trauma in early February, which is no longer traumatic. And then there were two weeks spent in a whirlwind obsession with my Kindle as I devoured "The Hunger Games" trilogy. Life wasn't all rosy. Not by a long shot. My fixation with reading was driven just as much from the need to escape real life and numb myself, even if only for a little while, just long enough to get through the day, to the heart ache that threatened to spill out from my eyes at any given moment, as it was from the engaging adventure of Katniss and Peeta. 

Yes, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller

Chubby Hubby Reinvention - Take #2

I got my baking groove on over the holidays and made some great treats. For Christmas I made one of my favorite desserts- chocolate bread pudding using panettone for the bread. It is beyond decadent! For dad's birthday (known to the rest of the world as New Year's Eve) we celebrated with peppermint chocolate cheesecake bars, a recipe I found courtesy of Pinterest, my obsession is paying off with very tasty treats. Then there were the neighbor goodie bags filled with puppy chow/muddy buddies/monkey munch - let it be known that by whatever name you call it -  I make the best, spritz cookies, homemade peppermint marshmallows, and candy cane hearts. And it wouldn't be Christmas without maple pecan sticky buns. No wonder I gained weight over the holidays, even though I gave most if it away. But the new year has started, I am setting the goal that I will get to a healthy weight this year with Project: {me}, I have teenage boys to keep up with after all, so it's not really an option. Yet it was hard to get back on track with healthy eating after so much indulgence. Not helping in the efforts was the leftover ingredients hanging out in my pantry and fridge. (Cream cheese makes my diet brownies taste so much better!) The only thing to do was make one last epic dessert using all the leftovers. I took stock of what was on hand, particularly those items that are a weakness and/or couldn't be stored in my garage pantry long term, out of sight and out of mind. I wanted to avoid buying any more ingredients to complete a recipe, the point was to get rid of things. I came up with this list: cream cheese, peanut butter, eggs, pretzels, chocolate chips. It was really just the eggs and the cream cheese I needed to get rid of, the pretzels are not a temptation but they would go stale, and then I'd just throw them out, and that is just wasteful when they could be made into something yummy.


Pondering that list and knowing the other things I had on hand I started thinking about a new reinvention of chubby hubby. This time instead of a cookie base, what about mainly cheesecake... mmm... peanut butter cheesecake, that's an excellent starting point. I delved back into Pinterest world to help me shape my idea. This is what I came up with: Peanut Butter Pretzel Cheesecake bars.  Will you allow me to brag for just a moment? These things are amazingly

scrump-dilly-icious!! 

I took the pan to work and they got rave reviews, it was a major hit with the guys, especially in the media department. The pan was empty before the end of the day, always a good sign.

Want to try them for yourself? Here is what you need.

Equipment: A stand mixer with the whisk attachment and food processor with  the metal blade.

Ingredients:
Crust-
2 packets of grahamies (or graham crackers to a normal person)
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon salt
2 handfuls of mini-twist pretzels
1 stick (8 tablespoons) of butter, melted

Filling-
1 cup brown sugar (packed)
2 blocks of cream cheese (room temperature)
1 cup peanut butter (creamy will work best, and not the natural kind)
1/3 cup half n' half
4 eggs (room temperature)
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 teaspoon cinnamon

Topping-
2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
4 tablespoons of butter
2 tablespoons of half n' half
3 ounces of crushed peanuts
2 handfuls of mini-twist pretzels, broken into pieces

Directions:
For the crust: In the bowl of the food processor, put in all the 'crust' ingredients except the butter. Turn it on and let it do its thing until the graham crackers and pretzels are obliterated into a sand like consistency. With the machine running, slowly pour in the melted butter through the feed tube. I would suggest doing it in two batches, stopping the machine in-between and scraping down the sides. After all the butter is added let it run a little longer to make sure it is all mixed together well. Once it seems mixed and about the consistency of damp sand and will clump together, dump it into a 9x13 baking pan, patting it into a nice even layer along the bottom. Bake it at 350° for 12 minutes. Take it out of the oven and let it cool while you whip up the rest of the dessert.

For the filling: In the bowl of the stand mixer add the brown sugar, cream cheese and peanut butter. You might want to give it a bit of a start on the mixing with arm and spatula as the cream cheese and peanut butter are kind of thick at first. Once it is blended together add the rest of the ingredients and mix until it is well mixed and a little foamy. Remember to periodically stop the mixer and scrape down the sides. When it looks ready, pour it over the crust. Bake at 350° for approximately 25-30 minutes - until the middle only sorta jiggles a little when the pan is wiggled. Let it cool before putting the topping on.

For the topping: In a microwave safe bowl, preferably glass or ceramic (I'm convinced plastic adds an odd flavor), add the chocolate chips, butter, and half n' half. Microwave for 30 seconds and then stir really well. Microwave in 10 second intervals until melted, smooth, and combined. Spread it over the top of the cooled cheesecake, moving quickly, while it is still warm press broken pretzel and peanut pieces into the chocolate.

ta-da!!

Chubby Hubby inspired Peanut Butter Cheesecake Bars!

(Notes: I used half n' half because that is what I had, but if I were making this again I would use sour cream in the cheesecake filling for a little more twang, maybe upping it to 1/2 a cup. The batter had a strong punch, but once cooked it was rather mellow. Also, the topping could have been better using heavy cream instead of the half and half, and a little more of it at that.)

Chubby Hubby Reinvention - Take #1

I have a slight addiction to Pinterest. And to food blogs. It's a dangerous combination, especially when a favorite co-worker is having a birthday. Jon's birthday was early December. I had a little giftie for him already, it had been purchased at a sale two months earlier. But it is expected by my co-workers to bring in baked goods on birthdays, at least those who have a earned special favor with me. If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you know Jon has curried much favor with me, which meant I needed to pull out the big guns and come up with something amazing.
I started regularly checking the food category on Pinterest and carefully considering each dessert recipe that popped up the various food blogs that I follow. What was going to be the winning idea? I found inspiration in a post from Brown Eyed Baker for Chubby Hubby Truffles.

Source: browneyedbaker.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

As amazing as they sounded, it was too much work and effort to make truffles for a crowd at work, even if it was for Jon. But it got me to thinking... what about a peanut butter pretzel cookie? After looking at scads of recipes for peanut butter cookies, blondies, peanut butter blondies, chocolate peanut butter cookies, peanut butter brownies, I came up with this: Jon's Birthday Chubby-Hubby Brownie-Cookie bar.
I collected ingredients from my pantry and with an idea in mind, got to work.

The Supplies

I made a standard brownie box mix adding a little coffee grounds (maybe about a tablespoon) to the mix. I believe coffee and chocolate are the nectar of life, and as such deserve to always be paired together. I poured it into a lasagna pan which is a little bigger than your standard 9x13 and set it aside.

Next came the cookie part. I started with a basic peanut butter cookie recipe from Cook's Illustrated, my go-to source for all things food and kitchen related. But I don't follow directions well, and tweaked the recipe a bit. I used 1/2 a cup of White Chocolate Peanut Butter, which I had on hand because Brown Eye Baker had raved about it and when I saw it at Target it magically jumped into my cart, and 1/2 a cup of crunchy peanut butter - because that is what I had. The recipe called for actual peanuts (crazy! a peanut butter cookie with peanuts?!) but since I don't like them unless in butter form I didn't have any and left that ingredient out. I then actually followed the directions, until it came to the add-ins. I precisely measured and added by the handful semi-sweet chocolate chips (about 1 cup), peanut butter chips (maybe 1/2 cup), butterscotch chips (a generous 1/4 cup), and broken up pretzel bits (close to 1 cup). Turn the machine on and let it do the hard work of incorporating all of that chippy goodness into the dough.

The dough ended up being really stiff. There was no way I was going to be able to spread it over the brownie base like I had intended, especially as the brownie batter was rather runny. Hm... what to do. Scoop it!

I ended up scooping out the cookie dough, covering the brownie batter filling in gaps here and there. It was time consuming and my hand hurt by the time I was done. Next time, if there is a next time, I'd reverse the two layers. Put the cookie dough on the bottom, patting it into place to cover the whole pan, then top with brownie batter. Oh... then maybe when it's done, it could be frosted... with peanut butter buttercream, or caramel buttercream, and dusted with pretzel bits... I think there will be a next time.

Okay, back to this baking venture. Once the cookie dough was more or less covering the brownie mix, I dropped spoonfuls of caramel sauce all over the top. It was another, 'Hey, I have this in the fridge from this other event, let's add it in!' But I think Kraft caramel squares, maybe cut in half or quarters, would work better, sprinkled over the brownie layer. Next time.

I wasn't sure how long to bake it, so I went with the brownie instructions since they had a longer time, adding 10 minutes to account for the extra thickness. It still needed a few more minutes, but then it went too long. When it came out of the oven the cookie part was a bit dark, maybe a little overdone, for my liking (another reason to reverse the layers).

Ta-da!! Doesn't it look scrumptious? (If not a little overly yellow because of the film+lens combo in Hipstamatic.)

I would show you a cut view, but I forgot to take one... and it didn't last long at work. This recipe is not for the weak. I mean that literally. The stinking thing weighed a little over 7 pounds. Lugging that to work on the train was a trick, but Rockstar deserved it.

Happy Birthday, Jon!! 

Re-Plumbed and Death Threats

A collection of a few random tidbits and stories from the office that made me laugh.

As Jon stood at my cubicle wall chatting, I put in my antibiotic and steroid eye drops that are required for a week after Lasik surgery. This conversation followed:
Me: These eye drops taste so awful!
Jon: Uh, I'm pretty sure that you are supposed to put them in your eye NOT your mouth.
Me: Goober!! I AM putting them in my eyes.
Jon: How does that work? Why are you tasting them?
Me: (pulling my lower eye lid down) This hole here, they drain out of here, down to the back of my nasal cavity and into the back of my mouth where I get to taste them.
Jon: That's so weird.
Me: They put in plugs so I don't know why I taste it so much.
Jon: Yeah, I was going to say something about that, but then I got distracted thinking about all the weird things that are draining into my mouth. (insert scrunched up disgusted face)
Me: What do you think is ending up in your mouth? It's starting out in your eye? What are you putting in your eye that you wouldn't want in your mouth?
Jon: I don't know - it's just gross! AND I'm pretty sure that something is messed up with you and the drops don't actually have any taste. I think you need to get things replumbed, I think it is just YOU that is weird and has your eyes drain into your mouth. (insert repulsed face)
Me: I'll get right on that; it will be my weekend project.

Adam brought fried plantain chips back from his food cart lunch run and offered to share. After offering them to me, and I recognizing what it was in time, quickly pulled my hand back and declined, he went to Jon, saying, "I just tried to kill Jenn by offering her one, but she didn't take it, which means more for you."
Contrary to Jon's non-adventurous taste palette he did try one and commented,
"It doesn't really taste like a nana."
Me: Well, they are a plantain - they don't have a strong bano flavor, just a nana flavor.
Jon: Yeah, I don't know if I've even actually had a plantain either.
Me: They are not for eating plain, they have to be cooked. But they are good with lots of salt.
Jon: Oh, but part of the nanner family... so you're still allergic?
Me: I have not tested the theory but work under the assumption that I am allergic to the whole genre of bananaers. It's not worth dying to find out.

Over the holidays the office was quiet, really quiet, as many of my co-workers took the two weeks that their kids were out of school as vacation. This caused my work to slow down, significantly. As a result, I got a little "pranky." I picked on Jon, recruiting some co-workers, we redecorating his cube, giving it a personal touch which it was still lacking after moving in to this building a year ago. Then Kristi's little owl friend and I started having some adventures around the office, and then downtown, and it even came home with me. But her cubicle had some decorating help from myself and the few co-workers who were around as well. "Put a bird on it!" The Portlandia catch-phrase she enjoys so much was applied to her cube.
She wrote me an email a week ago that said, "You know what they say about payback..." She was basically warning me to be on my guard. So when I saw her at work today, a Friday, a day she normally works from home, and then Jon disappeared for about an hour, I started to get paranoid. I was convinced they were plotting and scheming on how to get back at me. I finally got smart and checked their calendars and found reasonable explanations for their appearance or absence, as the case may be, but that does not mean I am letting my guard down.

And because I'm late in posting once again, here is bonus content from the following Monday. It decided to think about snowing in Portland and the ground was looking extra frosty, but nothing to cause concern. Yet Jon, with all his SoCal snow driving experience, decided to work from home to avoid the snow.
Later in the morning I IM'ed him from my desk at work, at the office, downtown:
Merriam-Webster's word of the day: graupel - granular snow. How appropriate for today. Used in a sentance: "Jon was scared like a little girl to drive in the 2 mm of graupel that was on the ground this morning."
Jon: ha..ha..ha...verrrrry funny.
Me: I thought so.

2012 - Project: {me}

I like to name things. Maybe it is inherent to being human. After all, Adam was given the task of naming all the creatures on earth. I give people nick-names. My cars have all had names, all starting with "z." I named floppy discs after tropical islands I'd like to visit... Tahiti, Kiribati, Fiji. I used to name the years and make a mixed tape (yes, a mixed cassette tape - the pinnacle of teenage self expression of the 80's). The only one I really remember because I went all out and made a great cover to go with it was "Year of the Emu." (I don't remember why I chose an emu, but I do remember the picture.)

So I am reviving an old habit and naming the year, borrowing a title from my favorite reality show. 2012 is the year of "Project: {me}."  I feel very awkward saying that. It seems so vain and selfish and me focused. Well, hello - it has "me" in the title, it is very self-focused. My conservative Christian upbringing is yelling at me that it is very wrong, prideful, and arrogant to be self-focused. But I am starting to learn there needs to be a balance, a healthy self-care in counterpoint to other care. Even Jesus would get away to pray and 'recharge.' And I'm using a lower-case "m" so that it doesn't scream ME, which makes it all okay - right? (The correct answer is, "right-O, Jennie-O!")
Recently, as I talked with my spiritual director about an incident the week before where I had been hurt, we talked about why it stung, the response, ramifications, etc. Then she followed up with this question:

"What is the first commandment of the Bible?"

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind and all your strength. (Mark 12:30) 

"What is the second commandment?"

Love your neighbor as yourself. (Mark 12:31)

"Jennifer, how well are you loving others if you aren't loving yourself? How is serving and always saying "yes" to others to the detriment of yourself an act of love? Loving others out of an empty reservoir is not loving them well."

Well, if you put it that way... 

She did, and it made me think. My thinking has started to shift, I'm realizing that it isn't a bad thing to take care of myself, to stand up for myself, to acknowledge and pursue what I want, to have boundaries and priorities - which may contradict what someone else wants of or for me, but it's okay for me to stand my ground even though it may very well cause conflict (something I typically avoid at all costs, even if the cost is high, and at my expense). I know, I know... this is stuff that most people learn on the playground before their age hits double digits. I'm a late bloomer. But I have stumbled across some good articles to help me find my way, so maybe I'm not alone in my delayed blossoming. The big lesson I need to learn is how to stand up for myself with me, so that I can stand up for myself with others.

I'm still working out what Project: {me} is going to look like. I think there should be a goal for each quadrant that Jesus mentions - an emotional goal (heart), a spiritual goal (soul), a mental goal (mind), and a physical goal (strength).

It is easiest for me to come up with physical goals. I got a pretty good running start in 2011; I lost a chunk of weight and lost over a foot of hair. I stalled out in the fall with all the traveling and the holidays. But I'm not content with where I am at, so more weight will come off, and the hair will likely be going shorter in 2012.  I want to do four 1/2 marathons this year and get my time under 3 hours. Oh, did you hear that? No worries, it was just my toes, screaming for mercy - which they will not be shown. Sorry! The biggest physical change of all will happen this Friday with LASIK surgery - I'm getting my peepers fixed! No more contacts or glasses- HALLELUJAH!!!

Mentally, I want to grow as a writer and photographer, continue to develop my project management skill set by getting my CAPM certificate. Continue to deepen my knowledge of Honduran culture, history and current situation. Also learn more about glue addiction and poverty, and ministry in both contexts. But a girl has gotta have fun - so queue the ukulele! Yes, I am learning the ukulele! Feel very sorry for my neighbors, I'm sure they would appreciate your condolences and gifts of ear plugs.

For the other two areas - heart & soul - it becomes much more difficult to come up with goals that follow my MACdaddy rule - Measurable, Attainable, Challenging (who's your daddy?! booyah!). I can say I need to learn how to stand up for myself, that is challenging, but how to set a goal around that which is also attainable and measurable has me stumped. I have found a few resources that I hope will help. Guiding questions always help me. Yet, how do you make measurable, quantifiable, attainable goals in regards to your relationship with the Almighty Incomprehensible God of the Universe? That's going to be a tricky one.

I have set a goal, to have my goals clarified and written down by the end of January. (I am such a nerd! Who sets goals about goal setting?!) I am pacing myself, starting this week with just getting back on track with healthy eating habits which fled far far away in the presence of mom's fudge, a formidable foe. I do not want to set goals that are going to fall by the wayside like the typical new years resolutions. No way, mine are going to stick, like glitter glue to carpet, like errant red dye from a t-shirt to my load of whites. (On a tangent, any ideas on how to get the dye out? I've tried Oxyclean, Clorox2, RIT dye remover - and still my stuff is pink.)

I would love to have some companions for the journey. What potential does 2012 hold for you? How do you want to grow? How can we encourage one another so that when December 31, 2012 rolls around we can scream "Who's your daddy!?!? Booyah! We did it!"

Resources for the Road
Personal Growth:
30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself
anything over at (in)courage, but here is a place to start Who Do You Think You Are?
Physical Growth:
5 Steps to Hit Your Fitness Goals
3 Keys to Successful Health and Fitness Resolutions
Goal Setting:
20 Questions for Reflecting on Your 2011
5 Steps to Making a New Year's Resolution
And a few prompts that didn't have a link.

If I could choose my life, what would it look like?
What can I do right now to help make that happen?
What is my goal this year?
In One month I will….
In Three months I will…
In Six months I will…
In Nine months I will…
By January of the following year I will…

Connected

I spotted her walking onto the platform, the opposite side of the tracks from me at the Beaverton transit center. She stuck out with her well coiffed hair of white, set off by the lovely dark turquoise blue scarf around her neck - the only color in her all black outfit. She wore a black pea coat jacket, black slacks, flat black dress shoes, black nylons and carried a black patent purse. She did not fit with the rest of us commuting on the MAX in the frosty morning air. She was elegant, refined  - and I couldn't stop watching her.

We boarded the same car of the train. As I stood at the opposite end with my earbuds in, Christmas music entertaining me on the ride. I continually glanced down the aisle to where she sat, trying not to stare. What connected me to her? What drew me to her? I wanted to sit down beside her and hear the story of her life. I tried to be rationale, that appearances can be deceiving, behind the demeanor that I envied for it's polish and poise, she could be venting poisonous words silently at the young street kids who sat beside her in their tattered clothes, talking loud and crassly. Maybe they didn't even register with her, because she was wondering why the girl in the black coat with red earbuds was staring at her. The grip on her purse remained tight and her gaze forward the whole trip.

She exited at the Galleria stop. As we pulled away I looked for her, to see which direction she went, hoping for a clue about her. I spotted the turquoise scarf as she walked along the sidewalk, in the direction of Nordstrom's. Ah, that would make sense. I could see her working there, lending her class and refinement to the perfume counter. I am tempted to go to Nordstrom's on my lunch break to see if I can spot her, but that is just too stalkerish, even for me. But why has this woman captivated my attention? The answer comes slowly. She reminds me of my grandmothers - both of them - with their well-behaved, regal presence, and I miss them.

Tiredness is a Master Thief

Tired...

Tired. Weary. Exhausted.
Bone-crushing, mind-numbing, joy-stealing, anxiety-growing - tired.

And so I caffeinate. Sacrifice much needed sleep in order to keep my crazy schedule. Substitute coffee for water, for Living Water, so that one more thing can be done, one more commitment kept, one more, one more.

But what have I done this week for the One. The One who is my only audience. The One who this Advent season is preparing for, and is my tired hectic self preparing for him? I'm too tired.

Yet, there is grace and comfort. While my anxious heart constricts so hard I hunch my shoulders over to ease the tension, Christ is there asking for me to trust him with my burdens.

---

If I am too tired for the One and Only, then something is really out of whack. Father, show me how to find rest & rest in You.

Christmas Mystery

{note: this post was started November 30th, and published December 23rd. Yes, it has taken me this long to finish it.} 
I have searched to no avail. It has disappeared. There is no sign of it. What has gone AWOL you ask? Nothing less than my all-time favorite Christmas album! Tragedy, right? How can I start the season, the merriment, the festivities without the tunes from Downhere? I searched through all my Christmas CDs and it isn't there. I looked on the rack on the play closet door- not there either. I checked the door pockets of my car; the only Christmas album there is the soundtrack to Elf, which is enjoyable but it isn't Downhere.

Now you may be thinking, 'Come on, Jennifer! It is just ONE album, just a few songs. And haven't you mentioned before that you have a Christmas music addiction? I'm sure you have plenty.'

It's true. I do have a slight addiction to Christmas music; I have to limit myself on new purchases each year. I do have plenty of holiday tunes - nearly two days worth. There may be thirteen different renditions of "White Christmas" in my iTunes library. But right now, there is no "How Many Kings." And that makes me very sad.

How Many Kings

Follow the star to a place unexpected
Would you believe, after all we've projected,
A child in a manger?
Lowly and small, the weakest of all
Unlikeliest hero, wrapped in his mother's shawl -
Just a child -
Is this who we've waited for? 'cause...

How many kings step down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
And how many gods have poured out their hearts
To romance a world that is torn all apart
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

Bringing our gifts for the newborn Savior
All that we have, whether costly or meek
Because we believe.
Gold for his honor, and frankincense for his pleasure
And myrrh for the cross he will suffer
Do you believe?
Is this who we've waited for?

All for me...
All for you...

[from http://www.lyricsmania.com] 


This song speaks to my spirit, reaches right past the frenzy and the frantic, the hurried hustle to get more, do more, be more and whispers truth to my heart. The truth of this season, the miraculous wonder of God the Creator come in the form of the created, to redeem, to love. Advent, a time of expectant waiting, awaiting the Savior's birthday, remembering his first arrival, and looking with hope to the promise of his second coming. As music tames the wild beast, so this song tames my runaway heart and brings it back to the core of Christmas; my heart beats a little more slowly, the expectations matter less, and the wonder at Christ grows. This is why I need to find this album and this song, both of which I listen to year round.

"We are waiting for the glorious coming of Christ. Sometimes the heart yearning for the gift— is part of the gift!" -Ann Voskamp

Christ come down. God of the universe in finite fragile skin. It is a mystery. The greatest mystery of all. One that should be marveled at, anticipated, sought after. Do I seek after the Christ child in the middle of the Christmas season the way I seek after my lost album?
To be honest, I'm bedraggled. The Christmas season has just hit and already I'm frantic, frenzied, and weary. How is this celebrating the miracle of Emmanuel? Ironically, adding to the pressure the most is myself and the need to honor the season. I'm behind in sending out Christmas cards (can I send my horribly belated thank you notes to my supporters of my August mission trip along with my Christmas cards?), I'm behind in decorating, I haven't planned the annual Christmas girls get-together. The pressure mounts as each day slips away and nothing is checked off the to-do list. As my list mocks me, telling me that I am going to miss Christmas if I don't get busy and check off each line, a quiet voice whispers, "Be still."
But will it be Christmas if I don't have the annual party?
If I don't have the party, why decorate?
How depressing not to decorate; might as well skip Christmas.

The whisper returns, "That isn't Christmas. Be still. Abide in me - I am Christmas."

It is now over three weeks since I started this post and I am determined to publish it tonight. This has been a very different Christmas season for me this year. I decided not to have my annual get-together, but did decide to decorate - although the decor is very limited. While it is minimal, it brings me joy. Although there is a shocking lack of twinkle lights which seriously bothers me. Bothers me to the point that I am planning on pressing my dad and brother (and their height) into service when they come over for Christmas dinner to help me hang some strings of lights randomly across my living room. I had every intention of obeying the quiet voice and being still this Christmas season, being quiet so that I could lean into Christ, dwell with Christmas himself. Instead it has been four exhausting, draining, frenzied, emotional, overwhelming weeks. Very little of it, almost none of it, has related to Christmas. Life just sorta hit me broadside at a time of year where the world around burdens us with unbearable expectations. To deal with the messies, I had to decide not to care about the expectations - whether culture or self imposed - and just let the Christmas crazy happen around me. I never got around to Christmas cards, I hardly decorated, no parties were planned, all gifts were purchased online on Cyber Monday so that task would be over and done with, treats for the neighbors have been planned but not executed - they may yet, but not before Christmas, most of my traditions took the year off. (But I did find my album, or at least a digital copy of it on my back-up drive of my work laptop which recently had the hard drive replaced. Yeah, no wonder I had trouble finding it.) I have had none of the typical Christmas cheer and yet, I think I get Christmas more this year. In dealing with the messies I've had to lean hard into Christ to gain perspective and strength. While I have not been still this season, not by a long shot, if I hadn't started this season with the idea of being still my life would have been too full to cope with the broadside hits that unexpectedly came my way. This has been a very unconventional Christmas season for me, but as I reflect on the last four weeks amidst the pain, there has been a richness that I have a hunch will cause me to treasure this year for many to come.

With Christmas Eve beginning in just mere minutes, my Christmas wish for all of you is to know Jesus Christ personally, in new ways, that takes you deeper, grows your love, and expands your awe and wonder at the unlikeliest hero, following his star to unexpected places.

Peace and Joy, Merriest of Christmas - Jennifer

Twinkle Toes

The black leather bucket chair which had been cool when I first sat down was causing me to sweat as I squirmed. My foot was bouncing up and down nervously; I slap-patted my thigh just like my mother does when she is highly emotional. Tears marked a path down my cheeks as I tried to explain to my counselor how I do not want to make a decision out of fear, that I’m tired of living a life guided by fear. But the fear looms so large and seemingly insurmountable. I want to live a life of faith, of radical, obedient faith, but the fear grips my heart and squeezes tight. I feel paralyzed. Much of my life has been dictated by fear. While God has been gracious to me, I don’t regret the choices and paths I’ve taken, but I do wonder sometimes “what if?” It isn’t helpful, I try to avoid hypothesizing what my life would be like if I had fought through the fear for what seemed like first choice. What if I had applied to Wheaton’s Conservatory of Music? I still doubt whether I would have gotten in, but what if I had? And if I didn’t get stopped by the fear of failing at my dream, of moving far away from home, going to unknown mid-west lands? What if I hadn’t been fearful about moving across the country and quitting the job I had been at for one month and applied to Gordon-Cromwell Seminary? Instead I went to Western, which was good and I don’t regret my time there, but how would life be different if I had gone to Boston? What relationships have I let slip away because I feared to be myself, to be open, to share myself? Fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being known. Fear of change. Fear of hurt. So much fear. I am certain that fear is the main weapon Satan uses to intimidate me. It has been a powerful shaping force in my life, and I fear what my life will be like if I allow it to continue influencing me. 

"If you didn't live by fear, Jennifer, what do you want?"

"I want to live life with gusto!"

I heard myself say it as if someone else had proclaimed it. I sat stunned in wondered silence. Where had that come from? It was exactly what was in my heart that I had not found a way to articulate and express. For years I had been trying to find a way to express my heart cry, the true yearning of my heart as it beat against the cage of fear. The front of my fridge is testament to this, a page from my daily calendar is posted reminding me to "Live Out Loud." Next to it is a bright yellow sticker proclaiming "Live Strong." Rosie the Riveter flexes her arm, showing solidarity that, yes, "We can do it!" My favorite part of the movie "Holiday" is when Kate Winslet's character answers that she has "gumption." While all these resonate with me, they are not my own. What do I want instead of the status quo of living by fear? I want to live with gusto! It feels so good to say it!

2 Timothy 1:7 "for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." (ESV)

To live with gusto, means to live attentive to the Holy Spirit prodding me, nudging me, beckoning me to step out of the shadow of fear into the light of faith, depending on my Holy God to lead - and following. The fear of the unknown, not knowing where the next step might lead keeps me rooted in what feels like safety. I recently read or heard from someplace (I would give credit if I could remember or find it) that the lamp referred to in Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path." would have been a small clay pot; something about the size of your palm. Something like this:

http://www.trocadero.com/TheAweidahGallery/items/1073505/item1073505store.html

It would fit into your palm, a flame would come out of the 'spout' from the oil within. Can you imagine the amount of light a lamp like this would produce? I think we can all agree the answer is - "not a whole lot." Yet this is what the Psalmist is comparing to God's Word. While His Word illuminates and shows us the path, it only does so for the next step or two, not the next twenty or hundred and twenty. It shows us our feet, we can know the solid ground on which we stand, we can see the immediate area, but the rest remains shrouded - it isn't for us to know just yet. We must trust the Spirit, step forward in faith, follow His leading, one step at a time, stay close to Him - our shepherd, our guide, our Lord - for He will make our paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6). There is wisdom in this. I often feel as though I have plopped right down in the middle of the path, stubbornly sitting criss-cross applesauce, refusing to budge until God turns on the high-beams and discloses the path for the next 30 years. Yet if He did that, I know I would see things that scare me more than what my imagination can conjure up where I sit now and I would absolutely refuse to budge. But everything comes in its own season. What may happen in 10 years time, will come with 10 years worth of God preparing me to handle it. All things in their time. And it won't all be hardship and misery, for I honestly believe God takes great joy in us and our delight (Jeremiah 29:11; Zephaniah 3:17; Matthew 7:11).

I want to live life with gusto, going after life, living it with passion and fullness, my heart fully engaged. Breaking old habits and patterns to live from my heart is going to take some practice. It starts with Bob like "baby steps." Shortly after my "gusto" revelation I wrote a list of things I want to do in life for a contest.  It seems like a pretty safe list - either far-fetched, or non-threatening, some are maybe a little silly. But there is one item that, for me, will require courage - learning to dance - #26.

When I was 7 years old, I dropped out of ballet class as soon as my mother would let me. I didn't like being the pudgy klutzy kid who didn't get it, and the teacher was mean. The only school dance I went to from 7th grade until 12th was the "50's dance" in junior high that was at the end of the swing dance unit in gym class. In seminary I had a classmate who would host dance lessons in the basement of his church about once a month, teaching us the waltz, foxtrot, swing, and would organize 'outings' to such places as the Norse Lodge for their dances. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Take note - I enjoyed it; that is not the same as being good. I haven't had much opportunity to dance since then. About a year ago I started going to a class at the gym, "Group Groove" (think modern jazzercise). But not before doing several drive-bys, going for a 'regular' workout about the same time as the class so that I could scope it out through the windows, fearful that I would be out of place, make a fool of myself. The first time I went I staked out a spot in the back corner where no one would see all my missteps. The thing is, a year into this class, I have accepted that I do look like a fool, especially when I try (and fail) to do the running man. But also because of my big goofy grin that spreads from ear to ear because I am having so much fun. The joy I experience has overcome the fears and I keep going to class whenever I can.

Yesterday a Groupon showed up in my inbox for ballet lessons. My first impulse was to buy it. I want to learn ballet, I had it on my list. But then I waffled, my seven year old self and all her fears re-emerging; all the insecurities of old bubbling up and splotching out my excitement. What if I was the only adult? What if I have to wear a leotard and tights? (Yikes!) What if I fail, and I'm just as bad now as I was thirty some years ago? What if I'm foolish looking? Fears and obstacles, trapping my heart. Once at work, I looked at the email again. And closed it down. After grabbing my mid-morning coffee I opened the email again and followed the link to the company website. I found a class called "Absolute Beginning Adult Ballet." I might be able to handle this class, I thought. But then I noticed it is only offered on Sunday and a voice told me it was wrong to do something like a ballet class on Sunday, the Sabbath - it is the Lord's day; 'how can you consider doing something like dancing and working out on a holy day?' I closed the email once again. I never deleted the email, just closed it, my heart was yearning to say "yes" to this opportunity. It wasn't long before I opened the email again, looked at the class listing one more time - yup, still only Sunday - but why should that matter in this instance? I would go hiking on a Sunday. I regularly do races on a Sunday. I fill my Sundays with busyness that is anything but holy. If I do believe that God rejoices in our delight, why wouldn't this be a perfectly wonderful thing to do on a Sunday? Here is an opportunity that will give me joy, delight, and in a strange way help to loosen the shackles of fear around my heart; give me practice at stepping out of the worries and bindings of fear and into my heart desires. A baby step. Or, perhaps, a "glissade en avant" (yeah, I looked that up online) towards living a more open, heart driven life - living with gusto.

I opened up the email one more time and clicked "purchase." A moment later I nearly skipped down the hall as I went to refill my water bottle, grinning the whole way. I am going to take ballet lessons! And if I have to wear a leotard and tights, I'm getting a tutu as well!

Wherever I go - even into ballet class! 

Thankful Thanksgiving

On November 1st I started counting down to Thanksgiving, picking just one thing each day to be thankful for and avoiding repetition (if not my list would alternate between my momma and Jon).

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for...

1) My Momma!
2) My Bible study group ladies. What a supportive lovely group.
3) GPS enabled phone for when I get lost in my own town.
4) The chickens and goats I saw on my country walk.
5) Hearing from God.
6) For several people who want to bless the Micah boys with Christmas gifts - even if it is a challenge to pack.
7) Friends who help, friends who speak to my heart, friends who encourage.
8) Jon. He makes me laugh, keeps me entertained, is a good friend. He helps the work flow going. Jon rocks!
9) A packing miracle! Somehow almost everything fit in to my bags. I really don't know how it happened.
10) The salty taste on my lips from kissing the sweaty cheeks and foreheads of Micah boys.
11) A delightful day witnessing two friends become husband and wife.
12) Lives changed. David, Miguel, Wilmer, Arle, and Junior graduated. What an accomplishment! I am so very proud of each one.
13) A day spent with Micah boys is always a day to be thankful. For their lives and the joy they bring to mine.
14) Sometimes, it's the simple things in life - like a good coffee, or two.
15) A furnace that works! Warm clothes to wear on chilly days. My needs are met abundantly.
16) Marvy Jei! You are such an encouragement to me.
17) A friend who shares her Pepto to help get me through the work day with my Teguzy tummy. {blah!}
18) A settlement has been reached between me and the HOA board. It only took 6 months or so.
19) Friends are so dear and treasured, especially the ones who have walked with you for years. 19 and counting with Kim. Tears shed as we share our hearts, precious times.
20) Lunch with Miss Fire-Cracken, and her listening ear greedily eager to hear stories about Micah boys.
21) A wonderful manager. She is funny, witty, thoughtful, an advocate, and just plain cool.
22) Group Groove. It brings me joy and delight to shimmy, cha-cha, mambo, and twirl.
23) That God never stops working on me. His gentle strength continues to refine and bring growth in my life.
24) Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade! I get so excited to see the snippets of Broadway shows and watch it every year.

Most of all I am thankful for God the Father, Jesus my Redeemer, and the indwelling Holy Spirit, my family - both of blood and of the heart, and my dear precious friends.

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (ESV)

Things to do in Life!

I am a list maker. I make lists for nearly everything. So is it any wonder that I have a list of adventures I want to have in life? Of course not! Years ago I started a list of things I want to do with this life - adventures to be had, accomplishments to work towards. 

1. Take tea at the Savoy in London.
2. Arrive by train to Portsmouth, England - my grandmother's hometown where her uncle was the station master.
3. Travel to England by the QM2.
4. Kiss the Blarney Stone.
5. Do a walking tour of England and Scotland for a couple months.
6. Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower. 
7. Take a week long baking class at Greystone.
8. Create the perfect molasses chew cookie.
9. Visit every continent.
10. Swim in every major ocean and sea.
11. Swim with dolphins.
12. Learn to surf somewhere warm. (Maybe here or if I win, las Olas!)
13. Have a photo published by National Geographic.
14. Go on a photo expedition with National Geographic.
15. Vacation at Wild Wadi.
16. Learn glass blowing.
17. Attend an opera at the MET
18. See a performance by Lyric Opera.
19. Design and build my own home.
20. Go on safari and see giraffes, zebras, lions, and ride an elephant. 
21. Write a children's book series loosely based on my grandfather and have it illustrated by my brother.
22. Kayak around Polynesian islands with crystal clear water and white sand beaches.
23. Earn a Ph.D. - I don't know in what, but I want to be a doctor. :)
24. Ride the Orient Express (and maybe meet Poirot!)
25. Drive on the autobahn - at high speeds!
26. Learn to dance - salsa, mambo, tango, swing, waltz, hula, ballet - well! 
27. Visit Israel (again) and spend a whole day at Yad Veshem this time. 

I'll keep adding to my list periodically - and hopefully I will start crossing things off! Maybe I should have a list of just places I want to see and travel to - I left most of those off, keeping the really important ones. I have goals too - but those are different than life adventures. My goals right now mostly relate to health: run a 5k in under 30 minutes, walk a half-marathon in under 3 hours, get my BMI below 22. 


There is so much in this amazing world to do and see, to learn and explore! One life just isn't enough. Get out there and start living! 


This is my entry in the Just Ask Bucket List Getaway Giveaway. Just Ask offers a breast and ovarian cancer screening and is encouraging people to share 15 things that I want to enjoy in my lifetime as a reminder to be aware of my health. Want to enter? Head over to TodaysMama.com to get the details.